【英语生活】婚姻出轨后能否重新找回幸福？

It was just before midnight one night in October when Hillary Rothrock, a 30-year-old stay-at-home mom, discovered a side of her husband she'd never known existed.

The Lancaster, Pa., couple had been to an exercise class at the YMCA, then took their two small daughters for ice cream. When they got home, Ms. Rothrock put the girls to bed, took a shower and decided to check Facebook.

'Hey, can I look at your computer for a sec?' she asked her husband, Paul Rothrock, a 30-year-old product-support representative for a social-media ad company. He was in the living room, on his laptop, and his reaction stunned her. 'No!' he hissed, pulling the computer to his chest.

Confused, she asked him again, and he became even more agitated. 'You are not looking at this!' he insisted, gripping the computer tightly.

That was when Ms. Rothrock realized what was wrong.

There are few moments more painful than the disclosure of an extramarital affair, an event that provokes stress and anger in both the betrayer and betrayed. What each spouse does and says in the aftermath will reverberate a long time.

It is critical to stay calm, counselors say. The realization 'felt like being punched in the chest,' Ms. Rothrock recalls, of the moment her husband wouldn't surrender his laptop. Her training as a mental-health crisis counselor served her well when, as calmly as she could, she told her husband to hand over his computer -- and his phone -- or they were 'done.'

Counselors say it is possible to repair a relationship after infidelity, but only if both parties are willing to work hard and honestly acknowledge shortcomings in the relationship and in themselves.

Some 20% of men and 14% of women who have ever been married have had extramarital sex, according to federally sponsored research conducted since 1972 by the social-science research organization NORC at the University of Chicago. (Reliable statistics about infidelity are scarce, largely because many people won't own up to an affair.) Mr. Rothrock's affair took place by video chat and other electronic means, but it was no less sexual or emotional, he says.

How many marriages survive infidelity? Peggy Vaughan, a San Diego researcher who runs the website Dearpeggy.com, surveyed 1,083 people and found 76% of those whose spouses had affairs were still married and living with the spouse. That figure may skew high, though: Respondents were self-selecting visitors to Ms. Vaughan's website, an 'extramarital affairs resource center.' Estimates from a sampling of marriage therapists range from 30% to 80%.

Several studies indicate couples in marital therapy dealing with infidelity were just as successful as couples for whom no cheating was involved, says Jay Lebow, psychologist and clinical professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill., who published a review of couples-therapy research in the January 2012 issue of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

Whether a marriage survives an affair depends on how healthy the marriage was to begin with, how long the affair lasted and the manner in which it was discovered.

'The couples who have a real chance of making it are the ones who are committed because they really want to be with each other, not because of the kids or because they feel obligated,' says Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Lancaster, Pa.

For years after their wedding in 2004, the Rothrocks had fun. They went camping and to concerts and enjoyed their children. But with Mr. Rothrock working days and his wife working nights, they were exhausted and rarely saw each other. Their sex life suffered.

'We were in a mommy-and-daddy rut,' Mr. Rothrock says.

Ms. Rothrock quit her job last year to spend more time with the kids and found it difficult to adjust. Mr. Rothrock began going to Washington, D.C., twice a week for business.

When he was home, he found the din of family life hard to take. He started to think of his wife as a mother. When she became irritated with him, he felt scolded like a child. He withdrew emotionally and began to snap at her. When Ms. Rothrock asked him what was wrong, he replied: 'I don't know what you mean.'

In his Washington hotel room, Mr. Rothrock went to a social-networking site and communicated with people online, including an attractive single woman in the Midwest. She was about his age, and she was a flirt.

Soon, he was spending several hours a day talking with her on Facebook, via text and in private video chats. He told her he felt disconnected from his marriage. He sent her a birthday present and made plans to meet her at a tech conference. They had virtual sex, via instant message and video, but it was more than physical.

'It was definitely an emotional affair,' Mr. Rothrock says.

While re-establishing trust and communication, each spouse has a difficult task, says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and Rutgers University research professor. The betrayer has to be willing to answer questions honestly. The betrayed has to stop asking questions eventually and never mention the affair again.

Ms. Rothrock spent hours reading her husband's correspondence with the other woman, at times crying, while he sat by her side, she says. 'I was completely devastated.'

The two stayed up the entire first night talking. Ms. Rothrock asked her husband questions about the affair, which he answered honestly. They talked about what they had each done wrong and what they wanted in their marriage. Mr. Rothrock apologized. And, perhaps for the first time, they openly discussed their sexual desires. In the morning, they took off their wedding rings.

'We both said, 'We burnt down the house,'' Ms. Rothrock says.

And yet they kept talking. They got a therapist -- Ms. Rothrock found a man, so her husband wouldn't feel outnumbered. Mr. Rothrock cut ties with the other woman. The couple decided to tell their family and friends about the affair -- which they feel helped a lot. 'They gave a lot of feedback, like 'Paul is a great guy, he made a mistake,'' says Ms. Rothrock.

The Rothrocks decided to start over -- together. They treated each other as if they were the people they would date if they had divorced. They wrote a 'constitution' to express what they each wanted: 'A partner who trusts me to take care of things,' Mr. Rothrock says. 'A partner who tells me what he's thinking,' says Ms. Rothrock, who is now wearing her wedding band again.

Elizabeth Bernstein

《华尔街日报》──去年10月的一个晚上，临近午夜之时，30岁的全职妈妈希拉里•罗斯洛克（Hillary Rothrock）发现了丈夫保罗•罗斯洛克（Paul Rothrock）的另一面，而她以前从不知道这一面的存在。保罗今年30岁，是一家社交媒体广告公司的产品支持代表。

当天白天，这对家住宾夕法尼亚州兰开斯特（Lancaster）的夫妇在基督教青年协会（YMCA）上了健身课，然后带着两个年幼的女儿去吃冰激凌。回到家中，在安顿好女儿们上床睡觉、洗完澡之后，希拉里决定查看一下Facebook。

她向丈夫问道，“嘿，我能用一会你的电脑吗？”当时保罗正在客厅用笔记本电脑上网，“不行！”他拒绝道，还把电脑往自己身边挪了挪。这个反应让希拉里感到惊讶，她感到不可理解，又问了丈夫一次，这次他显得更加慌乱。“你不能用这台电脑！”他坚决拒绝，紧紧地抓住了电脑。

就在这时，希拉里明白出了什么问题。

很少有比婚外情曝光的那一刻更让人痛苦的时候了，背叛者和遭到背叛的人都会因此承受压力和感到愤怒。夫妻任何一方在事后的所言所行都会产生持久的影响。

婚姻顾问称，这种时候保持冷静至关重要。希拉里回忆说，在丈夫拒绝交出电脑的那一刻，她一下想到了其中的缘由，这使她“感觉胸口像被人打了一拳”。她曾接受过心理危机处理顾问培训，这对她很有帮助。她以尽可能冷静的态度让丈夫交出电脑（以及手机），并表示如若不然他们的关系就“完了”。

婚姻顾问指出，在配偶出现不忠行为后修复关系是有可能的，但这要夫妻双方都愿意做出努力并坦诚地承认婚姻以及自身存在的缺点才行。

芝加哥大学（University of Chicago）的社会科学研究机构全美民意研究中心（National Opinion Research Center）的调查显示，在有过婚史的人群中，大约有20%的男性和14%的女性有过婚外性行为。该研究中心在联邦政府的资助下从1972年开始展开这些研究。（可靠的出轨行为数据非常之少，主要是因为很多人不会承认自已有婚外情。）保罗•罗斯洛克的婚外情通过视频聊天及其他电子手段进行，但他说其中涉及的性和情感上的因素并不少。

有多少婚姻能在出现不忠行为之后维系下去？Dearpeggy.com的运营者、圣迭戈（San Diego）研究人员佩吉•沃恩（Peggy Vaughan）对1,083人进行了调查，他发现在配偶有过婚外情的人群中，76%的人并未离婚仍与配偶在一起生活。不过，这个数字可能会偏高，因为受访者是主动选择访问沃恩这个号称“婚外情资源中心”的网站的。抽样选出的一部分婚姻治疗师的估算为30%到80%不等。

位于伊利诺伊州埃文斯顿（Evanston）的西北大学（Northwestern University）的家庭问题研究中心（Family Institute）的心理学家及临床心理学教授杰•勒博乌（Jay Lebow）指出，一些研究表明，为解决出轨问题接受婚姻治疗的夫妻与并不涉及此类问题接受治疗的夫妻，他们维系婚姻的成功率都一样高。勒博乌在《婚姻与家庭治疗杂志》（Journal of Marital and Family Therapy）2012年1月刊发表了一篇关于婚姻治疗研究的综述性论文。

婚姻是否能在婚外情发生后得以维系，这取决于这段婚姻开始之时是否健康、婚外情的持续时间以及婚外情被发现的方式。

宾夕法尼亚州兰开斯特婚姻与家庭注册治疗师琼•谢尔曼（Joan Sherman）说，很有可能继续将婚姻维系下去的夫妻，他们是因为真心想和对方在一起才做出承诺，而不是为了孩子或觉得有义务才这么做。

罗斯洛克夫妇在2004年步入婚姻殿堂，婚后最初几年的生活充满乐趣，他们会去露营、听音乐会、和孩子一起玩耍。久而久之，由于保罗白天在工作，而妻子晚上又忙着干活，他们都感到筋疲力尽而且很少见到对方。后来，他们的性生活出现了问题。

保罗说，我们只是在扮演妈妈和爸爸的角色。

为了多和孩子呆在一起，希拉里在去年辞去工作，但她发现自己难以适应这种生活。同时，保罗开始每两周要去一次华盛顿特区出差。

在家呆着时，保罗往往觉得不得清静的家庭生活难以忍受。从那时起，他开始把妻子当作一个母亲看待。每当妻子生他的气时，他就会觉得自己像孩子一样被责骂。他产生了抵触情绪并开始回击。妻子问他有什么不对劲时，他总是回答，“我不知道你在说些什么。”

在华盛顿住酒店时，他时常访问一个社交网站并与一群人在网上交流，其中包括中西部地区一名迷人的单身女性。她的年纪和他差不多大，而且颇有风情。

不久之后，他每天要花几个小时在Facebook上通过信息和私人视频与她聊天，并告诉她婚姻对自己丧失了吸引力。他还给她寄过一份生日礼物，并打算在一次科技会议上与她碰面。他们通过即时信息和视频发生了虚拟的性关系，虽然它只是虚拟关系，却更甚于身体上的出轨。

保罗认为，“这当然只是情感出轨。”

罗格斯大学（Rutgers University）生物人类学家、研究教授海伦•费什尔（Helen Fisher）指出，在重建信任和重新沟通的过程中，每一方都面临艰难的任务。背叛的一方必须要愿意坦诚回答问题，而遭到背叛的一方最后则应停止追问、永远不要再提起这件事。

希拉里读了几个小时丈夫与那个女人的通信，这期间丈夫就坐在她身旁。读着读着她会时不时哭起来，她说，“我觉得自己被完全击垮了。”

在发现婚外情的那个晚上，夫妻二人整晚没睡觉在讨论出现的问题。希拉里问了丈夫一些关于这段婚外情的问题，他都坦诚地回答了。他们还讨论了哪些地方他们做错了以及他们想从婚姻中得到什么，最后丈夫向她道了歉。此外，也许是头一回，他们还坦诚地讨论了他们的性需求。到了早上，他们摘下了各自的婚戒。

希拉里说，“我们都说，‘我们犯了大错。’”

他们仍然保持着交流，保罗也与那个女人断了联系。他们还请了一名婚姻治疗师──希拉里找的是男性治疗师，好让丈夫不会觉得自己处于劣势。他们还决定把这件事情告诉家人和朋友，在他们看来，这么做起了很大的帮助作用。希拉里说，“他们给了我很多反馈，比如‘保罗人很不错，他这次是糊涂犯错了。’”

最终，夫妇二人决定重启新生活──是共同重启新生活。他们把对方当作了自己如果真的离婚后的理想约会对象，还制定了“章程”来表达各自的诉求──保罗的愿望是“一个放心让我处理事情的伴侣，”，而希拉里的愿望是“一个会告诉我他的想法的伴侣。”现在，她又重新戴上了自己的婚戒。

Elizabeth Bernstein