【英语生活】如何面对走到尽头的婚姻

One evening shortly after their seventh anniversary, Louis and Shelley Silberman had an argument while preparing dinner. Neither recalls what that fight was about. But both remember how, in the middle of it, Ms. Silberman suddenly screamed at her husband: 'We are done being married! I want you to move out!'

Mr. Silberman was floored. The couple had two sons, ages 1 and 3. They had met at a Club Med on the Caribbean island of Martinique when they were in their early 20s and had moved in together almost immediately. They'd bonded over tennis and travel. Mr. Silberman had fallen for her vibrant, fun-loving personality. Ms. Silberman liked how friendly and active he was.

'I thought it was just another fight,' says Mr. Silberman, who lives in Scottsdale, Ariz., and owns a company that trains medical professionals and aestheticians to perform anti-aging laser procedures.

After his wife blurted out that she wanted a divorce, Mr. Silberman pleaded with her to talk about what was wrong. She refused. They both cried. She stormed off to bed.

'It's hard to say 'bye' nicely, there's so much built-up anger,' says Ms. Silberman, of Cave Creek, Ariz., now 44 years old, who has since remarried and is now Shelley Cook.

Couples typically wait an average of six years in an unhappy marriage before seeking help, according to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute. Deciding whether to leave a committed relationship can be a sad and complex process.

A new type of therapy, called 'discernment counseling,' breaks with traditional couples counseling, which seeks to solve relationship problems. Instead, discernment counseling, pioneered by Bill Doherty, a professor in the family social science department at the University of Minnesota, aims to help struggling couples decide whether to divorce or remain married. The new therapy is part of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, which Dr. Doherty launched last year. He came up with the idea for the project after a local family court judge told him that a striking number of couples in his divorce court handled the process so well that he wondered why they were splitting up.

In a study of divorcing couples published last year in the Family Court Review, the results showed that about 30% of individuals who were divorcing said they would seriously consider a reconciliation service if it was offered by the court. Additional research that matched spouses' responses found that in about 10% of couples both partners were open to reconciliation.

Dr. Doherty estimates that in 30% of couples who seek marriage counseling, one person is what counselors call 'leaning out,' or wanting to go, while the other is 'leaning in,' or wanting to stay.

In discernment counseling, Dr. Doherty helps the leaning-out spouse decide if the decision to leave the marriage is the correct one. And he helps the leaning-in spouse cope in a way that doesn't make the situation worse -- without pleading, threatening or otherwise turning off the already irritated spouse. Over five sessions, Dr. Doherty has the couple examine what was good about the marriage, what got them to this point and what they did to try and save the marriage. He lays out three alternatives: marriage as it has been, divorce, or a six-month reconciliation with marriage therapy. Of the 25 couples Dr. Doherty counseled, 40% decided to try the reconciliation; the rest divorced or are thinking it over.

There are plenty of reasons why people stay in a miserable marriage. They hope things will get better or stay for the kids. They are scared of what comes next. They think there will be a specific moment when they will know that they should leave. (Therapists say there isn't.)

Very often, a spouse doesn't speak up for fear of hurting the other person. Men are particularly bad about this, psychologists say. They typically have a tougher time expressing emotions and don't like to feel they are letting their wives down. They may immerse themselves in work or other activity and become distant.

People 'feel that if they distract themselves, the problem will take care of itself, the marriage will just dissolve,' says Susan Pease Gadoua, a clinical, licensed social worker, author of 'Contemplating Divorce' and director of Changing Marriage in San Rafael, Calif., which helps couples whose relationships are in strife.

Many people looking to get out of a marriage behave badly. They check out emotionally. Have affairs. Wake up one day and just walk out. These behaviors hurt their spouses even more. 'The greatest source of pain for a person who is the leave-ee is that they didn't have an opportunity to respond and work on things with their spouse,' Ms. Gadoua says.

Ms. Cook had been thinking of leaving her marriage for several months. She preferred to stay home with the children, but he wanted her to work. She resented the long hours he spent on his new business. Therapists say marriages break up over time due to many factors, but Ms. Cook remembers the moment she knew her marriage was over: While she was hospitalized during her second pregnancy, her husband came to visit -- and talked on and on about his business. 'I thought, 'Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life?'' Ms. Cook says.

The Silbermans began fighting more, often over little things. Mr. Silberman tried to get his wife to talk about what was wrong. She refused, turning on the TV or going to another room. After Ms. Cook demanded her husband move out, he pushed her to reconsider, to think of the children. He promised to change. Then he moved to a hotel, hoping the separation would be short-lived.

At his request, the couple went to counseling, but lasted only a few sessions. 'It became very apparent that she wasn't budging,' says Mr. Silberman, now 47. 'I was checked out for so long that I was exhausted,' Ms. Cook says. Nine months later, the couple divorced. She began seeing someone else. He became depressed, recovered, began dating.

Several years later, Ms. Cook was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through chemotherapy and radiation. After she finished, Mr. Silberman offered her a job. 'I figured if it helps her, it helps the kids,' he says. That was eight years ago. Ms. Cook still works for her ex-husband, now as a laser-procedure trainer. Two years ago, the couple self-published a divorce guide, 'After the Happily Ever After.' Although they still squabble a lot, both say they are friends. 'Leaving before the fire burned down the whole house made a big difference,' Ms. Cook says.

Elizabeth Bernstein

在结婚七周年不久后的一个傍晚，正在准备晚餐的路易斯•西尔伯曼(Louis Silberman)和雪莉•西尔伯曼(Shelley Silberman)突然吵了起来。两人已记不清当时为什么争吵，但都记得在吵架过程中，雪莉突然对她丈夫尖叫道，“我们的婚姻完了！我要你搬出去！”

路易斯惊呆了。这对夫妇当时有两个分别为一岁和三岁的儿子。他们于20岁出头时在加勒比海马提尼克岛(Martinique)上的地中海俱乐部(Club Med)度假村相遇，然后几乎立即就同居了。他们都喜欢打网球和旅游。路易斯爱上了雪莉活泼、爱玩的性格，雪莉则喜欢路易斯的友善和活力十足。

Brandon Sullivan for the Wall Street Journal雪莉•库克（左）和路易斯•西尔伯曼结束了7年的婚姻，但两个人如今成为了朋友并在一起工作。路易斯说，“我原以为那不过是一次普通的吵架罢了。”现年47岁的路易斯目前住在亚利桑那州斯科茨代尔(Scottsdale)，拥有一家为医务人员和美容师进行抗衰老激光手术培训的公司。

在他妻子脱口而出要离婚时，路易斯恳求她就两人之间的问题谈一谈。她拒绝了。两人都哭了起来，雪莉冲进了卧室。

雪莉说，“我们之间积累了太多愤怒，很难友好地说再见。”现年44岁的雪莉后来再婚了，如今她的身份是雪莉•库克(Shelley Cook)，住在亚利桑那州山洞溪(Cave Creek)。

西雅图婚姻咨询机构高特曼机构(Gottman Institute)称，平均来说，婚姻不幸福的夫妻会等上六年再开始寻求帮助。决定是否放弃一段曾经许下诺言的关系可能会是一个伤心且复杂的过程。

一种名为“辨别力咨询”的新型疗法打破了传统婚姻咨询尽力解决双方所面临问题的模式。由明尼苏达大学(University of Minnesota)家庭社会科学系教授比尔•多尔蒂(Bill Doherty)开创的辨别力咨询，旨在帮助挣扎中的夫妻双方决定是否该离婚，还是该维持婚姻。这种新的心理咨询是多尔蒂去年发起的“明尼苏达离婚边缘伴侣项目”(Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project)的一部分。多尔蒂最初开始这个项目的念头源自当地家庭法院的一名法官。这名法官说，在他的离婚法庭上，越来越多的夫妇将离婚过程处理得非常好，以至于他不明白这些人为什么要分开。

“家庭法院案例回顾”(Family Court Review)去年发表的一项针对离婚配偶进行的研究指出，研究结果显示，约30%正在离婚的人士称他们会认真考虑婚姻调解咨询，如果这项服务是由法院提供的话。其它相关研究也发现，约10%的夫妇，其双方都愿意进行调解咨询。

据多尔蒂估计，在寻求婚姻调解咨询的30%的夫妇中，有一个人是咨询师所称的“外倾者”，即希望离开这段婚姻的人；而另一个人则是“内倾者”，即希望维持这段婚姻的人。

在辨别力咨询中，多尔蒂帮助那些“外倾者”思考离开这段婚姻的决定是否明智，帮助“内倾者”通过适当的方式来应对以免情况恶化，如不要苦苦哀求、威胁或是让本已恼怒的另一方心灰意冷。多尔蒂会通过五次咨询让夫妻双方审视这段婚姻曾经有过的美好时刻、是什么让他们走到了现在这一步、以及他们为挽救这段婚姻做出过什么样的努力。然后，他列出三个选项：维持婚姻原状、离婚或是进行为期六个月的婚姻咨询调解。在多尔蒂咨询过的25对夫妇中，40%决定尝试婚姻咨询调解，其余的选择离婚或是认为没有挽回的余地。

人们为什么要维持一段不幸的婚姻呢？原因有许多。或是他们希望事情能够变好；或是为了孩子；或是他们害怕接下来要面对的事情；又或是他们认为，到了应该离开时自会有那么一刻心里突然明了（心理医生称并没有这样的时刻。）

常常，夫妻中有一方因害怕伤害另一方而不愿把离开的想法说出来。心理学家称，男人尤其不擅长这种事情。他们通常不太愿意表达自己的情绪，不愿意让自己的妻子感到失望。他们可能会埋首工作或其它事情，刻意变得疏远。

Jason Millet《思考离婚》(Contemplating Divorce)一书的作者、注册临床社会工作者苏珊•皮斯•加杜阿(Susan Pease Gadoua)称，人们觉得，如果他们将注意力放在其它事情上，两人间的问题会自然发展，婚姻也将随之解体。加杜阿同时还是加州圣拉斐尔(San Rafael)帮助婚姻陷入困境夫妇的机构“改变婚姻”(Changing Marriag)的主管。

许多希望摆脱婚姻的人表现得非常糟糕。他们或是情绪化地搬离出去，或是发生外遇，或是某天一觉醒来后就不辞而别了。这些行为对他们配偶造成的伤害会更深。加杜阿说，“对一个‘被离开’的人来说，最大的痛苦莫过于他们都来不及作出反应、和配偶一起努力对事情进行改善。”

那次争吵之前，雪莉已经就离婚一事想了好几个月了。她更愿意呆在家里和孩子们一起，但她丈夫希望她出去工作。另外，她很反感他每天花很长时间在他的新公司上。虽然心理学家称，婚姻的破裂是由于许多因素，并随着时间累积慢慢造成的。但雪莉清楚地记得她意识到自己的婚姻完了的那一刻。那是在她第二次怀孕期间，当时她正住院治疗，她丈夫前来看她，然后就开始不停地谈论他的工作。雪莉说，“当时我想，难道我接下来的大半辈子就要这样过了吗？”

夫妇俩开始越来越频繁地争吵，而且常常是因为一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事。路易斯曾试图和妻子讨论，到底是什么地方出了问题。但她拒绝了，要么去打开电视，要么去另一个房间呆着。在雪莉要求她丈夫搬出去后，他希望她重新考虑，想一想孩子们，他保证会改。然后他搬了出去，希望这只是一次短暂的分居。

在他的请求下，他们去进行了婚姻咨询，但只持续了寥寥可数的几次。路易斯说，“很显然她不会改变态度了。而且我在外面也住得太久，已经筋疲力尽了。”九个月后，这对夫妇离婚了。她开始约会其他人。他刚开始感到很沮丧，等恢复过来后也重新开始了约会。

数年后，雪莉被诊断出患了乳癌，开始进行化疗和放疗。治疗完成后，路易斯给她提供了一份工作。他说，“我想，如果这能对她有所帮助的话，也就是对孩子们有所帮助了。”这已是八年前的事了。现在，已成为一名激光手术培训师的雪莉仍在为她前夫工作。两年前，他们自费出版了一本离婚指南《童话结局之后的故事》(After the Happily Ever After)。尽管他们现在依然经常吵架，但他们都表示自己把对方看作是朋友。雪莉说，“赶在婚姻变得面目全非之前分开，其结果截然不同。”

Elizabeth Bernstein

（本文版权归道琼斯公司所有，未经许可不得翻译或转载。）