【英语生活】唠叨──婚姻生活的杀手

Ken Mac Dougall bit into the sandwich his wife had packed him for lunch and noticed something odd─a Post-it note tucked between the ham and the cheese. He pulled it out of his mouth, smoothed the crinkles and read what his wife had written: 'Be in aisle 10 of Home Depot tonight at 6 p.m.'

Mr. Mac Dougall was renovating the couple's Oak Ridge, N.J., kitchen, and his wife had been urging him to pick out the floor tiles. He felt he had plenty of time to do this task. She felt unheard.

'I thought the note was an ingenious and hysterical way to get his attention,' says his wife, Janet Pfeiffer (whose occupation, interestingly enough, is a motivational speaker), recalling the incident which occurred several years ago. Her husband, a technician at a company that modifies vehicles for handicapped drivers, didn't really see it that way. 'I don't need a reminder in the middle of my sandwich,' he says.

Nagging─the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed─is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.

Why do we nag? 'We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it,' says Scott Wetzler, a psychologist and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. It is a vicious circle: The naggee tires of the badgering and starts to withhold, which makes the nagger nag more.

Personality contributes to the dynamic, Dr. Wetzler says. An extremely organized, obsessive or anxious person may not be able to refrain from giving reminders, especially if the partner is laid back and often does things at the last minute. Other people are naturally resistant─some might say lazy─and could bring out the nagger in anyone.

It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong. The problem is that by asking repeatedly, they make things worse.

Men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.

Nagging can become a prime contributor to divorce when couples start fighting about the nagging rather than talking about the issue at the root of the nagging, says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has researched conflict and communication in relationships and offered relationship counseling and marriage seminars. He says that while all couples deal with nagging at some point, those who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will substantially increase their odds of staying together and keeping love alive. Couples who don't learn often fall out of love and split up.

Research that Dr. Markman published in 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication. 'Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist,' Dr. Markman says.

The good news: Couples can learn to stop nagging. Early in their marriage, Ms. Pfeiffer, now 62, repeatedly reminded her husband about household tasks and became more demanding when he ignored her. 'If I was asking him to take care of something that mattered to me and he was blowing me off, that made me feel like I didn't matter,' she says.

Mr. Mac Dougall, 58, says the nagging made his muscles tense, he would become silent and his eyes would glaze over in a 'thousand-yard stare.' 'Her requests conveyed some sort of urgency that I didn't think was needed,' he says. 'If I said I was going to get to it, I would definitely get to it.'

Ms. Pfeiffer decided to soften her approach. She asked herself, 'How can I speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to him?' She began writing requests on Post-it notes, adding little smiley faces or hearts. Mr. Mac Dougall says he was initially peeved about the sandwich note but did show up at Home Depot that evening smiling.

Ms. Pfeiffer sometimes writes notes to him from the appliances that need to be fixed. 'I really need your help,' a recent plea began. 'I am really backed up and in a lot of discomfort.' It was signed 'your faithful bathtub drain.' 'As long as I am not putting pressure on him, he seems to respond better,' Ms. Pfeiffer says. Mr. Mac Dougall agrees. 'The notes distract me from the face-to-face interaction,' he says. 'There's no annoying tone of voice or body posture. It's all out of the equation.'

The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are stuck in a bad pattern. You are fighting about fighting. You need to work to understand what makes the other person tick. Rather than lazy and unloving, is your husband overworked and tired? Is your wife really suggesting she doesn't trust you? Or is she just trying to keep track of too many chores?

Noreen Egurbide, 44, of Westlake Village, Calif., says she used to give her husband frequent reminders to take out the garbage, get the car serviced or pick up the kids from school. 'I thought I was helping him,' she says. Jose Egurbide, 47, often waited a while before doing what she asked. The couple would argue. Sometimes Ms. Egurbide would just do it herself.

A few years ago, they got insight into their nagging problem after taking a problem-solving assessment test, the Kolbe Assessment. Ms. Egurbide, a business coach, learned she is a strategic planner who gathers facts and organizes in advance. Her husband, an attorney, learned that he is resistant to being boxed into a plan. Now, Ms. Egurbide says, 'I don't take it personally when he doesn't respond.' 'There is a sense of recognition about what's happening,' Mr. Egurbide says. 'It's easier to accommodate each other.'

Death by a Thousand Reminders
Is nagging a problem in your relationship? Here are some tips for both partners to help curb it.

•Calm down─both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help.

•Look at it from the other person's perspective. 'Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don't love me.' 'I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.'

•If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an 'I' not a 'you' statement. Say 'I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,' instead of 'You never pay the bill on time.'

•Explain why your request is important to you. 'I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can't afford to pay late fees.'

•Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately?

•Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. ('Can you change the car oil this weekend?') Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it.

•If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner's request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do.

•Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing.

肯•麦克杜格尔（Ken Mac Dougall）咬了一口他妻子给他带的三明治午餐，发现有些不对劲──在火腿和奶酪之间夹着一张便利贴。他把它从嘴里拽出来，压平皱褶，看到上头写着：“今晚6点，去家得宝（Home Depot）第10通道。”

Dominic Bugatto麦克杜格尔夫妇家住新泽西州橡树岭(Oak Ridge)，现年58岁的肯是一名技师，在一家为残障司机改装汽车的公司工作。当时他们正在装修厨房，妻子催他去选地砖。肯觉得自己有足够时间来做这件事。但妻子感到她的话没被听进去。

现年62岁的妻子珍妮特•法伊弗（Janet Pfeiffer）回想起几年前发生的这件事时说（有意思的是，她的职业是一位励志演讲家），“我认为这张便条是吸引他注意的一个巧妙而疯狂的方法。”而她的丈夫，却不这么看，他说，“我不需要夹在三明治中的便条。”

唠叨──一个人反复提出要求，而对方反复忽视这一要求，结果两个人都越来越生气的一种互动──是每对夫妻迟早都要应对的问题。尽管这个词本身可能会引人发笑或不屑，但这种互动对于婚姻来说可能和出轨或资金拮据一样危险。专家说，这正是那种最终会毁掉夫妻关系的有害交流方式。

我们为什么会唠叨？纽约蒙特法沃医疗中心（Montefiore Medical Center）精神病与行为科学科（Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences）副主席、心理学家斯科特•韦茨勒（Scott Wetzler）说，“我们感觉自己得不到我们希望从对方身上得到的东西，因此我们感到有必要不断提出要求以得到它。”这是一个恶性循环：被唠叨的人厌烦了这种纠缠，开始沉默，这让唠叨的人更加唠叨。

韦茨勒博士说，个性对这种互动也有影响。一个极有条理、有强迫症或焦虑症的人可能无法控制自己不去提醒对方，尤其是当伴侣不慌不忙，经常拖到最后一分钟才动手的时候。对方会自然而然地生出抗拒心理──有些人或许会说这是懒惰──并可能引来唠叨。

丈夫唠叨，而妻子讨厌他们唠叨也是有可能的。但专家说，女性更有可能唠叨，这主要是由于她们习惯于感到对管理家务和家庭生活负有更多责任。她们往往对夫妻关系出现问题的早期迹象更敏感。当女性要求某样东西却得不到回应时，她们会更快地意识到不对劲。问题是，她们反复提出要求会让事情变得更糟。

男人也有责任，因为他们总是不给出明确的答案。当然，丈夫不理妻子可能是由于他很烦，唠叨会让他感到自己像个被妈妈斥责的小男孩。但许多时候，他不回答是因为他还不知道答案，或者他知道答案会让妻子失望。

丹佛大学（University of Denver）婚姻与家庭研究中心（Marital and Family Studies）联合主任、心理学教授霍华德•马尔克曼（Howard Markman）说，当夫妻开始因为唠叨吵架，而不是讨论唠叨的根源时，唠叨就可能成为离婚的主要原因。30年来，马尔克曼博士研究了夫妻关系中的冲突和交流，并为夫妻关系提供咨询、举办婚姻研讨会。他说，尽管所有夫妻都有应对唠叨的时候，但学会减少这种负面交流的夫妻会显著增加他们相守相伴和保持爱情新鲜的几率。而学不会这点的夫妻经常会不再相爱并分手。

马尔克曼博士2010年在《家庭心理学杂志》（Journal of Family Psychology）上发表的研究表明，结婚五年后变得不幸福的夫妻的唠叨等负面交流增加了约20%，而正面交流减少了12%。马尔克曼博士说，“如果让唠叨持续下去，它会变成爱情的敌人。”

好消息是，夫妻可以学会停止唠叨。珍妮特在刚结婚时，总是不断提醒丈夫做家务，而且在丈夫不理她时更爱催他。她说，“如果我让他去干什么对我来说很重要的事，而他充耳不闻，会让我感觉我根本不重要。”

肯说，唠叨让他肌肉紧张，他会变得安静，眼睛盯着“1000码以外的地方。” 他说，“她的要求传达了某种我认为并不必要的急迫性。如果我说我会去做，那我就一定会做的。”

珍妮特决定不再用那么生硬的方法。她问自己，“我怎么才能用一种对他没有威胁或冒犯的方式说话？”她开始在便利贴上写下要求，加上小表情符号或心形符号。肯说，他最初很讨厌三明治便条，但那天晚上却面带微笑地出现在了家得宝。

珍妮特有时会以需要修理的家用电器的口吻给他写纸条。她最近的一个请求开头是这样写的：“我真的需要你的帮助。我被堵住了，很不舒服。”签名是“你忠诚的浴缸排水管”。珍妮特说，“只要我不给他压力，他的反应似乎就更好。”肯对此表示同意。他说，“这些便条让我不用进行面对面的互动。没有愤怒的语气和身体语言。这让我感到自在。”

专家说，控制唠叨恶性循环的第一步是承认你陷入了一种糟糕的模式。你们在就吵架而吵架。你需要努力了解是什么让对方生气。你的丈夫是否工作太多太累，而不是懒惰或不爱你？你的妻子是否真的表示她不信任你？还是说她只是想让繁琐的家务事井井有条？

44岁的诺琳•叶古拜德（Noreen Egurbide）和47岁的乔斯•叶古拜德（Jose Egurbide）夫妇家住加利福尼亚州西湖村（Westlake Village）。诺琳说，她曾经经常提醒丈夫去倒垃圾，保养汽车或接孩子放学。她说，“我认为我在帮他。”乔斯经常等上一会儿才去做妻子要他做的事。这对夫妻会吵架。有时诺琳干脆就自己去做。

几年前，他们进行了一次问题解决评估测试后，认真考虑了唠叨这个问题。他们了解到，身为商务教练的诺琳是一位搜集事实并提前进行安排的战略规划师，而做律师的丈夫则是个不愿意受计划限制的人。现在，诺琳说，“当他不回应时，我不会认为他是针对我。”乔斯说，“感觉双方都了解真实的状况。彼此适应更加容易了。”

过分唠叨是婚姻关系的致命毒药

在你的夫妻关系中，唠叨是个问题吗？以下是帮助夫妻双方避免这一问题的一些小窍门。

冷静下来──你们两个人。了解自己所陷入的这种模式，并讨论如何合作解决问题。你们都需要改变自己的行为，制定基本原则会有帮助。

从对方的角度看问题。“亲爱的，当你忽略我时，我感到你不爱我了。”“你唠叨的时候，我感到你对我在做的事视而不见。”

如果你是唠叨的那一方，请意识到你是在请别人做事。说话时用“我”而不是“你”。说“我真希望你能准时付信用卡账单”而不是“你从来不准时付账单”。

说明为何你的要求对你很重要。“你付账单太晚时，我很担心我们的财务状况。我们负担不起晚交费的后果。”

管理你的期望。确保你要求的事情是现实而恰当的。电灯泡需要马上更换吗？

制定时间表。询问你的伴侣何时能完成任务。（“你这周末能去给汽车换机油吗？”）让他告诉你什么时候做对他最合适。

如果你是被唠叨的人，请对你伴侣的要求给出清晰的答复。诚实地告诉她你能否做她要求的事，什么时候去做。然后照着做。完成你说你要做的事。

考虑其他解决方法。雇用一名勤杂工，而不是用吵架伤害你们的关系，这应该是值得的。