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2010-6-13 11:24
I've received an e-mail from a college classmate I last saw cheating in an exam. I asked him to stop and he told me rudely to mind my own business. He was a BMOC (Big Man on Campus) at the time and I was in social Siberia. Now he is a senior partner at a New York law firm (Yale Law School, class of 1968) and is asking me to lunch. He ranks at the top of classmates I hope never to see again and ignoring him seems too kind. Is there a more imaginative response?
Senior fellow at world-famous think-tank, male, 60s Lucy's answer The fact that you have kept your loathing of this man burning steadily for 42 years is no surprise to me: these student dislikes are oddly durable. I have faithfully despised for decades a couple of people who were at university with me. These days I can't remember anything much about them – and certainly wouldn't recognise them if I bumped into them in the street – but I do remember they are forever hateful to me. Although your dislike endures, you have changed a great deal in the intervening four decades – at least in one respect. While he has (annoyingly) been as successful as he always thought he would be, your relative position has improved beyond measure. As a senior fellow at a world-famous institution, you are his equal now. That shift in perspective alone may cause you to view him differently; if he no longer looks down his nose at you, you might find you no longer dislike him. If I were you, I'd say yes to lunch. Enjoy the fact that the former BMOC is now cap in hand to the former LMISS (Little Man in Social Siberia). With a cool curiosity, I'd let him say his piece and try to assess him dispassionately. If you decide he's as hateful as he always was, you have at your disposal a particularly nasty tool of torture. Over dessert (if top New York lawyers eat such a thing, which I doubt), you should obliquely refer to the cheating incident. Don't confront him directly, as any halfway decent lawyer will be adept at wriggling off the hook. Instead, find some way of gently dropping a hint to show you haven't forgotten about it. He most certainly won't have forgotten either; and won't at all enjoy the feeling that his lunch guest does not view him as a legal god, but persists in seeing him as a nasty, sneaky cheat. For your sake, I hope you do still dislike him. The alternative – that you come away thinking that he's a perfectly nice guy – would be a less satisfying outcome. To nurse feelings so strong and for so long is a serious commitment; almost an act of faith. To discover it was all for nothing could simply prove too disorienting, this late in the day. Your advice Appetising offer Who would turn down an invitation for lunch in, presumably, a good restaurant in these harsh economic days? Perhaps he wants to confess and say how much he appreciates your discretion at the time. Hell, he might even offer you a top job at his law firm. Banker, 57, male Cold shoulder If he is following up a 40-year-old cold trail, he must be in business Siberia – presumably because by now his ethics are well known to his partners and clients. Anon Cheat the cheat In grade school, if someone is trying to cheat off your paper, you put up a bunch of wrong answers, let him copy them, and change your answers at the last moment. Do the same thing now: let him take you to lunch (at the best place you can wheedle out of him), and when asked for intelligence on things feed him misinformation that will prove embarrassing for him. Wait for the “you SOB” e-mail with enjoyment. Male, anon Don't waste time No reason to change your view just because he contacted you. No reason to waste your most precious asset – time. “Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm going to pass. I hope things go well for you.” Businessman, male, 55 Memory loss Easy – just say you don't remember him and now live between the Maldives and Bahamas so couldn't possibly be bothered with lunch. Then forget it. Anon We've all been fools Face it: all of us were idiots back in our 20s. What a terrible fix we would be in if we were all frozen in time, and not allowed to improve as people as we age. Kiss and make up, that is my advice. Life is too short to carry grudges. VP, male, 51 Job done By giving so much detail in your question, your goal is accomplished. Treasurer, male, 45 A sinner can repent People change. One of my most decadent college cronies is now a bishop. Lawyer, male, 54 Eat his lunch Break bread with the crook. He wants something. You know he was, and probably still is, dishonest. So, get a free lunch and find out what he's up to. If you don't, he may well pop up even more unpleasantly on your radar. Male, anon 我收到一封电子邮件，对方是我一个大学同学，我最后一次见他还得追溯到（几十年前）他那次考试作弊。当时我要求他罢手，他却粗鲁地告诉我少管闲事。他当时可是学校的“大名人”，而我则是个不善社交的无名之辈。如今，这家伙是纽约一家律师事务所的高级合伙人（毕业于耶鲁法学院，1968级），他邀请我共进午餐。在同学中，我最不想见的要数他了，不理睬他都显得我太客气了。不知有没有更富创意的招？
某世界知名智库高级研究员，男，60多岁 露西的回答 你如此执着而又强烈地讨厌对方长达42年，我毫不奇怪：学生时代形成的厌恶感持续时间会出奇地长。我也曾几十年如一日地讨厌自己一些大学同学。到现在我也记不起他们多少事了（在街上不经意碰见对方，肯定都认不出来），但是我确实明白，自己对他们的厌恶会一直持续下去。 虽说你的厌恶感挥之不去，但风风雨雨40年后，你也有了很大的改变——至少从一个方面可以看出。虽然他一直如他所愿地那样事业有成（这让人不爽），但你的相对地位也有了明显改善。你如今是一家全球知名机构的高级研究员，和他比起来毫不逊色。你看问题的角度发生了变化，仅此一点就会改变你对他的看法；如果他不再瞧不起你，你可能也会发现，自己不再那么讨厌他了。 换了我，会接受对方的午餐邀请。让过去的“名人”(BMOC) 对当年的LMISS（社交场上的“小人物”）恭敬一番，何乐而不为！带着几分冷静、几分好奇去赴宴，我会让对方直抒胸意，然后不偏不倚地作出评判。 （谈话中）如果你发现他还是一如既往地招人烦，你可以选择用一种特别龌龊的方式修理他。吃甜点的时候（如果说纽约的高级律师们吃这类东西的话——我对此表示怀疑），你可以委婉地点出他当年考试作弊那档子事。不要和他正面冲突，因为假正经的律师都是滑头，岔开不光彩的事都特别在行。相反，要设法旁敲侧击地暗示对方，你还记得当年的事。对方当然也是心知肚明，看到自己邀请的客人并未把他当成法律界的骄子，而是仍视他为当年那个考试作弊、道德龌龊的小人，这种感觉着实不爽。 就你而言，我倒希望你仍然讨厌对方。换一种结果——你用完餐后觉得对方人相当不错——可让人不太舒服。要知道，如此长时间地保持着一份如此强烈的厌恶感，称得上一种严肃的承诺——差不多成了一种信念。倘若到头来发现这几十年是“白忙活”一番，心里肯定很是怅然，有点早知今日、何必当初的感觉。 局外人的建议 不吃白不吃 在眼下这种经济不景气的时候，有人请你去高档餐厅（估计应该是）用午餐，只有傻子才会拒绝！也许对方就是想忏悔一下，顺便好好感激一下你当初的好眼力。嘿嘿，说不定还会给你送上一份他律师事务所的美差呢。 银行家，57岁，男性 甭理他 如果对方四十年来一直不思悔改，那他在生意场上肯定也是个孤家寡人（很可能是因为他如今的合伙人和客户都清楚他的道德老底了）。 匿名 以牙还牙 上小学时，要是有人想抄你的试卷，你就胡乱编一堆错误的答案让他抄，临交卷时再改过来。如今对付他也可以如法炮制：让他请你吃饭（找个你能让他答应的最好的地方），当对方征求你的高见时，编一套瞎话哄他，让他最终颜面扫尽。然后你就偷着乐吧，静等对方“骂娘的邮件”。 男性，匿名 别浪费时间 不能因为对方请你吃饭就改变自己的看法，也没有理由浪费你最宝贵的资产——你的时间。对他说：“谢谢你还想着我，但我去不了。祝你万事如意”。 商人，男性，55岁 记忆丧失 处理这事简单——就说你记不起他了，如今住在马尔代夫和巴哈马之间的某地，因此无法赏光赴宴。随后彻底忘掉这件事。 匿名 大家都当过傻子 直面此事：大家20多岁那阵子都不太明事理。要是大家都抓住过去那点事不放，只长年纪不长脑子，那我们都变成啥样子了？一笑泯恩仇吧——这是我的良言。人生苦短，何必那么计较呢？ 副总裁，男性，51岁 目的已经达到了 你的问题中提供了这么多的细节，你的目的已经达到了。 财务人员，男性，45岁 罪人现身说法忏悔，能让听者盘然醒悟，洗心革面。本人有位大学密友，当初颓废透顶，现如今都成了主教！ 律师，男性，54岁 吃他的去 让那骗子请你。他想达到某种目的。你知道他过去是个不诚实的人，或许现在还是。因此，去吃一顿免费午餐，弄清楚他究竟什么意思。如果你不去，对方很可能以一种更让人不快的方式，出现在你的视野中。 男性，匿名 译者/常和 |