【英语生活】戈尔夫妇缘何劳燕分飞？

Al and Tipper Gore have often led us to think about our own marriages.

When they called themselves 'best friends' and told how they got married to the strains of 'All You Need is Love,' the rest of us wondered why we seemed to need so much more than love to run our marriages well. When they shared that overly long kiss at the 2000 Democratic National Convention, we wondered if our passion equaled theirs. Now, as they separate after 40 years of marriage, we wonder why their seemingly ironclad bonds have broken, and whether there are similar surprises awaiting us.

The Gores aren't offering explanations, but marital therapists and divorce attorneys say the breakup of long-term marriages is routine these days -- for reasons of longevity, economics and cravings for happiness and self-expression that were less prevalent in previous generations. People are living longer, and they're less willing to spend their last decades with someone who leaves them unfulfilled. At the same time, working wives are less dependent on husbands for financial support, and husbands have Viagra and other new incentives to find other romances.

'There's a feeling, 'If I don't go now, I'm never going to go,'' says Mona Loeser, a Mobile, Ala., clinical social worker who specializes in marital conflict. She says she is routinely visited by couples breaking up after about 35 years of marriage. Though the recession has put some breakups on hold, the 30- to 40-year window has become the most common time for divorce in her practice, she says.

Her clients have similar stories: Their children are grown, their finances are in order and marital sex is 'a vague memory.' They've long known that their marriage wasn't great, but for years no one made a move to end it. The trigger for the breakup is often a third party. 'It's extraordinarily unusual for men to leave without having somebody,' says Ms. Loeser. 'It might not yet be an affair, but they're on the brink. They know if they leave there are arms waiting for them.'

Mark Goulston, a Los Angeles psychiatrist who developed 'recoupling therapy' -- helping divorced couples reunite -- sees another issue behind later-in-life breakups: tensions related to adult children, who are often closer to their parents today, and needier.

'There's a saying, 'You're only as happy as your unhappiest child,'' Dr. Goulston says. 'One spouse may still be overly involved with the adult children, worrying about their happiness, and the other may be saying, 'I've done my parenting. I want to have a chance to have my own life.'' It can lead to conflicts about priorities, with one spouse calling the other selfish.

Sometimes, people finally decide it's time to embrace their true calling. Constance Putzel, a retired divorce attorney in Baltimore, represented a woman who got divorced when she was in her 60s. 'She'd been married about 40 years and just wanted out,' Ms. Putzel says. 'She became a registered nurse and ended up being very happy.'

Whatever the Gores' issues -- he's 62, she's 61 -- they are part of a new normal that began with their generation, according to Census statistics. Of the 8.1 million women who were married between 1970 and 1974, just over half made it to their 30th wedding anniversary, compared with about 60% for women married between 1960 and 1964.

That is likely the biggest generational jump in divorce rates ever seen, says Pamela Smock, a research professor at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. From more women in the work force to the gradual acceptance of unmarried couples living together, the Gores' generation 'saw a sea change in how people thought about what they were supposed to do with their lives, including their family lives,' she says.

A new study of 500 couples, sponsored by the British dating site ForgetDinner, found that people married one year spend 40 minutes of an hour-long dinner engaged in conversation. By 20 years of marriage, they're down to 21 minutes, by 30 years it's 16 minutes. Those married 50 years are talking for just three minutes.

The anthropologist Margaret Mead believed marriage was designed for a time when people died in their 40s and 50s, after raising children together. The concept of decades-long, empty-nest marriages was never considered. 'The biggest issue is that we're living longer, we're healthier, and couples are bored with each other,' says Ms. Putzel, who also wrote the American Bar Association's book 'Representing the Older Client in Divorce.' 'We have to ask ourselves: Is 'ever after' too long?'

Therapists advise us to set aside time to check in with each other, to see if our marriages are on track and our needs are being met. Long-term marriages also need to be refocused, so they're more about the partnership than the children. Self-help resources are being developed to guide longtime couples through the challenges and mysteries ahead, including books with titles such as 'Fighting for Your Empty-Nest Marriage.'

It is also important to recognize that a marriage is about two people. It isn't necessary to be publicly displaying affection all the time to prove to others, or to ourselves, that we're hanging in there. Yes, the Gores gave us reasons to consider our own bonds with their televised convention kiss. 'But here's a parallel,' says Dr. Goulston. 'Just as the truest expression of philanthropy is to do it anonymously, the truest form of deep affection is to do it privately.'

一直以来，戈尔 (Gore) 夫妇总是会使我们反省自己的婚姻。

当他们称俩人是“最好的朋友”并说他们如何结合成为“你所需要的全部就是爱”的那一类时，我们中的其他人会想，为何我们看似需要除爱之外的那么多东西来维持婚姻美满呢！在2000年民主党全国代表大会上，他们在众人瞩目下来了个长时间的接吻，我们疑惑自己的激情是否像他们一样。但现在，他们在共度了40年的婚姻生活后劳燕分飞了，我们疑惑，他们看似坚不可摧的婚姻为何破裂了，是否还有类似的惊人之举在等着我们。

Associated Press图为1970年5月19日，戈尔夫妇的结婚典礼。 戈尔夫妇对此未做什么解释，但婚姻专家及离婚律师们说，现如今，多年的婚姻宣告破裂不足为奇，原因可能是寿命延长、经济状况及追求幸福及自我表现等原因，这些原因在过去几代中不太普遍。现在人们寿命延长了，人们不太愿意在最后几十年与他们不满意的人共同度过。同时，妻子也工作使之对丈夫的经济依赖减轻了，而丈夫们也可借助伟哥及其它新式刺激性药物以寻找其它浪漫史。

阿拉巴马州莫比尔的临床社会工作者莫雷(Mona Loeser)说，有一种感觉，就是如果现在不走，就永远不会走了。莫雷的专业是婚姻冲突，她说，通常来找她的要离婚的夫妇已有35年婚姻生活。尽管经济不景气使得部分夫妇暂时打消离婚念头，但在她的临床经验中，有30至40年婚姻生活的夫妇最容易离婚。

她治疗过的夫妇们的经历相似。子女已成人，财务状况良好，婚姻中的性生活已记忆模糊。他们长期以来即知道其婚姻并不美满，但多年来谁也没试图结束这种婚姻。离婚的导火索通常是第三者。莫雷说，对男方来说没有外遇而离婚极为罕见。可能还没有发生外遇，但这种事一触即发。他们清楚如果离婚，会有人张开双臂迎接他们。

洛杉矶的精神病专家古尔斯顿(Mark Goulston)开发一种“再结连理疗法”，帮助离婚的夫妇破镜重圆。他看到晚年离婚者背后的又一个问题：成年子女导致夫妻关系紧张，如今的成年子女通常与其父母关系更近，对父母的需求更多。

古尔斯顿说，有个谚语，你的快乐程度和你最不快乐的孩子一样。配偶的一方可能仍过分操心孩子的事，担心他们的幸福，而另一方会说已尽到了为人父母责任，想有过自己生活的机会。这会引起优先考虑事宜方面的冲突，一方会责备另一方自私。

有时，人们最终决定该是听从自身真正召唤的时候了。巴尔的摩的退休离婚律师普策尔(Constance Putzel)举了一位60几岁才离婚的妇女的例子说，她结婚约40年了，就是一直想冲出来，她后来成了位注册护士，也很开心。

戈尔现年62岁，其夫人现年61岁，不管戈尔夫妇有何问题，都属于他们这一代人的一种新的正常现象。人口普查统计结果显示，共810万在1970至1974年间结婚的女性中，仅一半得以庆祝其30周年结婚纪念日，而1960至1964年间结婚的女性中，这个比例约为60%。

密歇根大学社会研究所人口研究中心(Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research)教授斯莫克(Pamela Smock)说，这一变化可能是有记录以来离婚率增长最高的一波。从更多女性加入劳动力大军到逐渐接受未婚同居，戈尔夫妇这代人见证了人们生活观念的巨大转变，包括他们的家庭生活。