【英语生活】都是电子邮件惹的祸

(PROBLEM)One of our most important suppliers is extremely difficult. I thought I was forwarding a particularly tiresome e-mail from her to a colleague and headed my message “VILE BITCH” followed by a string of (actually not unreasonable) criticism. Tragically, I sent it back to her instead. We need to continue working with her. Oh God, it's so embarrassing and difficult. I need some help.


Managing director, male, 49

(ANSWER)

Oh God, indeed. I know how embarrassing and difficult this is, as I've done it myself. I once mistakenly sent an e-mail to the then editor of the FT in which I cruelly and unfairly parodied a conversation we had just had, making him look weak and dithering. In the split second after I pressed send I aged 10 years. I propelled myself straight into his office and grovelled. In the end, I think he found my beetroot face and pathetic jabbering so dreadful he felt sorry for me.

In a way your situation is less bad as she isn't your boss (most suppliers can be replaced), though “vile bitch” is a touch extreme and will take some apologising for.

Don't dream of doing it via e-mail; pick up the phone and ring the VB herself. Be careful how you do it, though. I detect from the tone of your message a tiny note of glee, as if you think she got what she deserved and the whole thing was hilarious in a gruesome sort of way. Squash those thoughts at once, and get grovelling. There is a (tiny) chance that she will be nice about it, and you'll realise that she isn't such a VB after all.

I should warn you against some of the advice below. Don't pretend someone else did it. That will make you look worse. Don't do as some do and send another e-mail with the subject line “VILE BITCH recalled”. When I get these I read the original one with greater zeal.

And don't use this debacle to start a general discussion about the difficulties in your relationship. Given the hand grenade you've just thrown at it, you should apologise and then take cover and hope that things settle down.

It goes without saying that you should never do anything like this again. The golden rule is not to send any e-mail unless you would be happy to see it made public. But I sense you gaily disregard this rule daily, as indeed do I. Yours sounds like the sort of organisation where loose communication such as this is part of the culture. I bet you won't ever reform, but at least try to be more careful.

PETTY AND SEXIST
The issue here is that you felt the need to bad mouth someone behind their back, and that you did so in grossly offensive and sexist language.

If you have a problem with a supplier or anyone else, talk to them about the impact of their actions. Don't stoop to petty personal insults. You should have moved on from that kind of behaviour in your teens.

Apologise abjectly, explain that you have suddenly seen yourself in a new light and that you now realise what an awful thing it was you did. And mean it.

Consultant, male, 56

FIND A SCAPEGOAT
You have two options – “blame and fire” or “cards on the table”.

Blame and fire is easy. You choose the worker you can most easily afford to lose and tell the supplier that he/she was fired for using other employees' e-mail when they were not around.

Or, face the supplier. The fact is, you need her business and she is difficult. Put your views on the table and discuss them openly.

Agency CEO, male, 46

SAVED BY SPAM FILTER
Try doing nothing – with a bit of luck your obscene remarks will have been trapped in the other organisation's spam filter and will never have reached her.

Or she may have such a busy mailbox that she has deleted the barbarous e-mail deeming it to be junk.

IT consultant, female, 45

TOURETTE'S VIRUS
First, send an e-mail to everybody in your address book alerting them to the possibility that your computer has been infected with the Tourette's Virus, and it may have sent out random e-mails with offensive headers. Then go straight to the toilets and wash your mouth
out with soap. Shame on you.

Director, male, 37

IF VILE BITCH READS FT What you should have done was write to this column saying: “Horrible IT glitch . . . superb supplier and wonderful woman . . . rude words inserted by hacker . . . fear that she won't accept the truth when I explain . . . ” – hoping desperately that your compelling excuse would make it into print.

But you didn't do that. And if Vile Bitch reads the FT, you've blown it.

Director, male, 50

问题：我们最重要的供应商之一是个极难相处的人。我以为自己是在把她的一封特别烦人的电子邮件转发给同事，在标题栏写上了“可恶的泼妇”，然后还写了一串（实际上并非没有道理的）批评。悲惨的是，我没有把邮件发给同事，而是发回给了她。我们需要继续与她合作。天呐！这太难堪了！而且很棘手。我需要帮助。

董事总经理，男性，49岁

（回答）

哦，天呐！我知道这有多难堪，多棘手，因为我自己也干过同样的事。我曾将一封电子邮件错发给英国《金融时报》当时的编辑。在那封邮件中，我刻毒而且不公平地模仿了我们刚刚进行的一次谈话，使他看上去既软弱，又优柔寡断。按下发送键后的一瞬间，我老了10岁。我强迫自己走进他的办公室，低声下气地认错。最后，我估计他是觉得我的面红耳赤和可怜巴巴的絮叨是如此可怕，于是反过来开始同情我。

在某种程度上，你的情况还没有那么糟糕，因为她不是你的老板（多数供应商是可以替换的），不过“可恶的泼妇”这种说法有些极端，需要为此道歉。

不要妄想通过电子邮件道歉；拿起电话，给“可恶的泼妇”本人打电话，但要小心行事。从你的来信中，我察觉到一丝得意，好像你认为她罪有应得，整件事既可怕又好笑。马上丢掉这些想法，夹起尾巴做人。她有（微小的）可能会善待此事，那么你会意识到，她压根儿就不是一个“可恶的泼妇”。

我应当警告你，不要听从以下的一些建议。不要假装这件事是别人做的，那会让你看上去更糟。不要像某些人那样，重新发送一封电子邮件，在标题栏写上“收回可恶的泼妇”。如果收到这样一封邮件，我就会对最初那封邮件更上心。

另外，不要利用这次意外，对你们关系中的症结发起一场大讨论。鉴于你刚刚投出了手榴弹，你应当道歉，然后躲起来，希望事情可以平息。

不用说，你永远都不该再做类似的事情。不要发送任何你不愿意被公开的电子邮件，这是金科玉律。但我感到，你每天都在快乐地忽略这一点，就像我一样。听起来，这种宽松的沟通方式似乎是你们企业文化的一部分。我打赌你永远也不会对它进行改革，但至少你要更谨慎一些。

心胸狭窄的男性至上主义者

这里的问题是，你觉得需要在背后说某人的坏话，你这么做的时候，还使用了非常具有攻击性的男性至上主义者的语言。

如果你和一位供应商或是其他什么人之间存在问题，那就和他们谈谈他们的行为造成的影响，不要降低身份，去搞狭隘的人身攻击。你应该早在十几岁的就抛弃这种行为了。

去谦卑地认错，解释说你突然用新的眼光审视了自己，现在意识到自己做了多么糟糕的一件事。要发自内心地这么做。

顾问，男性，56岁

找一只替罪羊

你有两种选择——“责备并解雇某人”或者“摊牌”。

责备并解雇一个人很容易。你选择一个辞退代价最小的员工，然后告诉那位供应商，那个员工之所以被解雇，是因为他/她在其他雇员不在的时候，使用了他们的电子邮件。

或者，直面那位供应商。事实是，你需要她的业务，而她难以相处。公开表达并讨论你的观点。

代理机构首席执行官，男性，46岁

被垃圾邮件过滤器拯救

试一下什么都不做——如果幸运的话，你那些下流话，会被另一家公司的垃圾邮件过滤器拦截下来，她永远无法收到这封邮件。

或者，她的邮件可能非常多，她已经删除了这封粗俗的邮件，认为这是一封垃圾邮件。

IT顾问，男性，女性，45岁

TOURETTE’S病毒

首先，给你通讯录中的每个人发一封电子邮件，告诉他们你的电脑可能染上了Tourette’s病毒，也许已经随机发送了标题带有冒犯字眼的电子邮件。然而去洗手间，用肥皂洗干净你的嘴巴。你真可耻。

主管，男性，37岁

如果“可恶的泼妇”是英国《金融时报》的读者

你应该做的是，写信给这个专栏说：“可怕的IT故障……优秀的供应商、出色的女士……黑客插入了粗鲁的词汇……担心在我解释的时候她无法接受这样的现实……”——拼命盼望你那有说服力的借口能被出版出来。

但你没有这么做。如果“可恶的泼妇”阅读英国《金融时报》，那么，你已经把事情搞砸了。

主管，男性，50岁

译者/ 何黎

露西•凯拉韦专辑