【英语生活】办公室人情的烦恼

I am getting increasingly weary about having to sign birthday and leaving cards for colleagues. Other people write funny things and add kisses
but I can never think of anything original to say, so
I usually write “good luck” or “happy birthday” and do not include kisses. I also never know how much money to put in the envelope. For a birthday for
a colleague I don't like much, I only put in £1 but then feel mean. Are there any rules to make this odd process easier?Accountant, female, 31



LUCY'S ANSWER



Yes, there are rules, but you seem to know them already. It has taken me decades of pen-sucking over these wretched cards to work out that it is easy. Your colleagues may make this into
a contest of lame witticisms, but you can simply opt out.

For a birthday card, here is what you say: Happy Birthday. Then you sign your name. You are right about kisses, they are not called for. These little crosses have multiplied on office cards as part of a trend to emotional incontinence. Before long “Luv ya loadz” may be seen on office cards, so it is good to know that you and
I, at least, are holding out.

Leaving cards are
a bit harder, but there is a formula here, too. I have a repertoire of two comments: “I'll miss you,” and “good luck”. If I'm feeling extravagant, I use both.

Money is hardest. However, there is no need to fret over your meanness, as it seems to be the norm. At my office the money goes into a big envelope, and so you can't usually see how much people are putting in, though if you look at the number of people who have signed the card and the amount collected it always seems low. I'm pretty sure I once saw a man slip in £5 and then remove rather more than that in change.

For birthdays I give nothing, as colleagues shouldn't expect to be showered with birthday gifts at work. With leaving collections it depends how much I like the person going. For someone I barely know and don't much like, I give a couple of quid. For someone I've worked with I give either £10 or £20, depending mainly on which notes are in my purse at the time.

The most important rule is to stop worrying. There are so many collections at work that if you fret about them all you'll never get any work done.



YOUR ADVICE

Friendless

People never read the comments in office cards – they just want to be reassured by the fact that all the space is full. As for the money, just think
– if you were leaving, would you want
a voucher worth just
a measly few quid?

The bigger issue here is that you seem pretty out of touch. Try to get to know your colleagues and you'll come to see that card writing isn't quite as forensic a process as double-entry book-keeping.

PR, female, 25

Truth hurts

Don't be too honest:
I once had a colleague who I thought I got on with well. He wrote
on my leaving card:
“I know we've not always been the best of friends but good luck anyway.”

I was very upset to find out that I'd apparently been annoying him without realising it.

Anon, female

Do the maths

Round your salary to the nearest 10,000, take off four zeros and that should be
a reasonable contribution for a leaver with whom you worked directly. If you didn't work with the person, anything that rattles should do fine.

Anon, male

Ambiguity

I've used the same comment on leaving cards for more than
20 years. It's suitably ambiguous: “Things won't be the same without you . . . ”

Anon, female

Give half

For birthdays, use your training, get
a mortality table then write delightful messages such as
“46 per cent depreciated now!”

What you write in the card doesn't matter – though make sure you enquire as to their plans and wish them well, as this will be remembered long after the (unread) card is lost. They may even offer you a job in future. Ensure no one watches you contribute your cash, then happily give half of what you consider reasonable.

Finance director, male, 50

对于自己不得不在同事的生日贺卡和离职纪念卡上写留言，我越来越感到厌烦。其他人能写出有趣的东西，并送上一个香吻唇印。但是我从来想不出任何原创的东西，所以通常只写“祝好运”或者“生日快乐”，而且不附上“香吻”。我也从来不知道该在信封里放多少钱。如果是我不太喜欢的同事过生日，我只放1英镑，但觉得自己很吝啬。有没有什么规则可以使这种古怪的事情变得简单些？会计，男性，31岁

露西的回答



是的，确实有规则，但你似乎已经知道了。在写贺卡这件令人讨厌的事上，我咬了几十年笔头才得出结论：其实很简单。你的同事可能将它视为一场写蹩脚俏皮话的比赛，但你完全可以选择退出。

对于一张生日贺卡，你可以这么写“生日快乐”，然后签上你的名字。你对“香吻”的看法是对的，这并无必要。作为情绪失控潮流之一，这些“香吻”正在办公室卡片上成倍增加。不久，“Luv ya loadz”之类的俗文字可能出现在办公室卡片上，因此，很高兴知道至少有你和我在抵制此事。



离职卡就有点难了，但也有一个公式。我预备了两句话：“我会想念你的”和“祝好运”。如果我当时感情丰富，我就把两句都用上。

给多少钱是最难的。但是，没有必要为你的吝啬而感到烦恼，因为这似乎是惯例。在我的办公室，钱都装进一个大信封，这样，你一般无法看到人们往里面放了多少钱，但如果你看看卡片上签名人数和集到的钱，就会发现钱看上去总是太少。我发誓，我曾经看到一个人装进了5英镑，然后从信封里拿走了比那还多的零钱。

至于生日，我什么也不给，因为同事不该指望从工作单位得到大量生日礼物。离职礼物则取决于我对要走的这个人有多喜欢。对我几乎不怎么认识、也不太喜欢的人，我就给两英镑。对在一起合作的人，我要么给10英镑、要么给20英镑，主要得看当时我钱包里有哪种面值的钞票。

最重要的规则是不要再发愁。工作单位里凑份子的事情太多了，如果你要发愁，就什么活儿也干不了了。



读者的建议

没有朋友

人们从来不会读办公室卡片上的话——他们只是希望从卡片上写满祝福话语的事实中得到安慰。至于钱，你可以想想——如果你要走了，你会希望得到区区几英镑吗？

这里更大的问题是，你似乎不太跟人来往。试着去结交你的同事吧，你会发现写卡片并不像复式记账那么需要字斟句酌。

公关，女性，25岁

真相伤人

不要太诚实：我曾经有个同事，我本来以为自己跟他处得挺好。他在我的离职卡片上写道：“我知道我们并不总是最好的朋友，但不管怎么样，祝你好运。”

我非常沮丧地发现，我显然一直都惹他讨厌，自己却没有意识到。

佚名，女性

计算一下

把你的薪水四舍五入到最接近“万”的数字，去掉后面的4个零，剩下的，应该就是送给一个与你有直接工作联系的离职者的合理钱数。如果你没跟这个人共事过，那么只要拿点钱应该就可以了。

佚名，男性

含混一点

20多年来，我一直在离职卡上写同样的话。这句话含混得恰到好处：“如果没有你，一切将会不同……”

佚名，女性



只给一半

对于生日，可以用上你的专业，画一个死亡率表，然后写上一些让人高兴的话，比如“现在折旧了46%！”

你在卡上写什么并不重要——但是一定要问到他们的计划、并希望他们过的好，因为，在这张（未读）卡片丢失很久之后，这话也会被人记住。他们未来甚至可能给你提供一份工作。要保证没有人看见你凑份子，然后你就高高兴兴地把你认为合理的数目减去一半吧。

财务主管，男性，50岁

译者/何黎