【英语生活】“后雄心”的秘密

We were in the car driving along peaceably enough, when my husband suddenly said: “I don't think I'm ambitious any more.” In an instant my mood switched from faint anxiety over what to cook for supper that night to a deeper, more troubling angst. I minded, and was a bit surprised to find how much.

This response, I now think, was a throwback to an earlier age of the hunter-gatherer. A male without ambition is a less desirable partner because he is less good at hunting and gathering. And if the male in question is head of a large north London household that requires a lot of h-ing and g-ing, then there is the danger that the female may have to gird up her own ambition and do some extra hunting and gathering in his place.

The next day I told a friend about his announcement and my negative reaction to it. She nodded understandingly. All men are bastards or wimps, she said, and no one wants to be married to a wimp.

Yet after further cross-examination I discover that my husband may not be en routeto becoming a wimp after all. He insists he is not going to spend the rest of his life watching the cricket on the telly, but plans to continue with work much as at present.

All he meant to say was that, at 50, he feels no further need to prove himself. He has succeeded at what he wanted to do and now feels less competitive and no longer cares much what others think of him. The urges that used to drive him to succeed are played out.

In short, he has moved into a happy and confident post-ambition state. Yet I still don't feel entirely good about it. I think I'm jealous. Mostly, though, I'm confused. What I don't know is this: is ambition an attractive thing? Is it a necessary thing? Is it something to be proud of or ashamed of? Should I applaud my husband or chastise him?

I have a complex relationship with ambition in others – sometimes I admire it and sometimes I despise it – depending both on ends and means.

My relationship with my own ambition is even more complicated. Until recently I never would admit to having any at all. If asked, I'd just say my career was a succession of accidents, mostly lucky ones.

Two years ago, I went round asking all the successful people I knew if they considered themselves ambitious. At least half said no, and made a great play of being gifted amateurs. This was all very British and all very tiresome, and made me resolve to wear my ambition with more honesty in future.

This week I have been reading a book that urges me to go further and wear it with pride. Am.BITCH.ous, by Debra Condren, is an attempt to reclaim ambition as a virtue – especially for women. The thesis is that women still do so badly at work mainly because we are not ambitious enough. We are held back by the fear that being ambitious will make bitches of us all.

The bit about women doing badly – at least in showy careers – is true and getting truer. In the past week, the big banks have taken out full-page ads in the FT congratulating an endless roll-call of names on becoming managing directors. Citigroup now has a grotesquely inflated 189 additional MDs, of whom barely 20 are female. The ratio at other banks is similar.

Lack of female ambition may be the explanation, but the bitch problem also rings a bell. The other day a woman I have known for decades suddenly said: “You know what is the difference between us? You've always been so much more ambitious than I am.” She was smiling but the message was not nice. What she meant was: “any difference in our achievement is not a reflection of talent, but of the fact that you are wildly driven in an ugly and unhealthy way.” Or something of the sort.

Yet never mind this female sniping, I think there is something bigger and better that keeps female ambition in check. It is a sort of wisdom. Women sense that being very ambitious at work isn't a great long-term strategy. Are Citigroup's 189 new managing directors ambitious? Yes. Do they feel satisfied? I doubt it. Each must now compete against the other 188 new ones and thousands of existing MDs.

The trouble with ambition is that, however well you are doing, you could do better. The further up you climb, the more your options shrink as the pyramid above you narrows. Although you'll earn a fortune, you'll spend your life enviously grinding your teeth over those who earn an even bigger one.

The only sensible answer for men and women is to aim at a varied level of ambition over a lifetime. Those starting out need a lot, but after a couple of decades the trick is not to strive to keep ambition alive, as Ms Condren urges, but to give it a good death. Not everyone can be CEO. Hardly anyone can live their “inspiring career dreams”, as Ms Condren calls them. Instead, we need to know how to feel successful and fulfilled without advancing at all.

I suspect women are much better at this than men. A survey in the Sunday Times a few years ago showed that women at work were much more satisfied with their jobs – apart from the very few hyper-ambitious ones at the top of the pile, who were even more miserable than their male colleagues.

So if the aim is to arrive eventually at a happy post-ambition existence, my husband could be a rare male role model. I shall be watching him closely. For now I need to establish if he is truly committed to the programme, and so far all seems to be well. “Ambition,” he said to me cheerfully last night as he cleaned his teeth, “is nothing but a displacement activity for unhappy people.”

那天，我们正平静地开着车，我丈夫突然说道：“我觉得自己再也没有雄心了。”霎时间，我的思绪从对那天晚餐做什么的隐约担忧，转变成一种更深层、更烦心的焦虑。我不喜欢，而且不喜欢的程度有点出乎意料。

我现在认为，这种反应是向狩猎采集时代的倒退。一个没有雄心壮志的男人，不是一个很受欢迎的伴侣，因为他不那么擅长狩猎和采集。如果那个有问题的男人是伦敦北部一个大家庭的家长，而这个家庭又需要做许多狩猎和采集工作，那么女人可能就得准备好树起雄心，代他做些额外的狩猎和采集工作。

第二天，我把丈夫的话和自己的消极反应告诉了一个朋友。她理解地点了点头。她说，世上的男人不是坏蛋，就是懦夫，没有人想嫁给一个懦夫。

然而，我在经过进一步反复询问之后发现，我丈夫实际上也许并不是在变成一个懦夫。他坚称自己不会将余生花在看电视板球比赛上，而是计划像现在这样工作。

他想说的只是，在50岁的年龄，他感到不需要再去证明自己。他自己想做的事情都取得了成功，现在不太想竞争了，也不太关心别人对他的看法了。过去驱使他获得成功的强烈欲望现在已经没有了。

简言之，他步入了一种幸福、自信的后雄心壮志状态。然而，我的感觉还是不太好。我估计自己有些嫉妒，不过更多的还是困惑。我不知道：雄心壮志很有吸引力吗？它是必需的吗？是可以让人引以为荣或是引以为耻的事吗？我是该称赞还是责罚我的丈夫呢？

对于其他人的雄心壮志，我的感觉很复杂，有时钦佩，有时鄙视，这同时取决于它们的目标和手段。

对自己的雄心壮志，我的感觉更复杂。直到不久以前，我还决不会承认自己有任何雄心壮志。如果别人问我，我只会说我的职业生涯是由一连串意外事件组成的，其中大多数都是幸运的事件。

两年前，我问遍了自己认识的所有成功人士：他们是否认为自己雄心勃勃。至少一半人的答案是否定的，他们都努力强调自己是天才的业余人士。这完全是英国式的答案，非常地索然无味，让我决心在未来日子里更坦诚地展现自己的雄心。

上周，我一直在读黛布拉•孔德恩(Debra Condren)的《雄心壮志》(Am.BITCH.ous)，它促使我决定更进一步，要以自己的雄心为傲。这本书试图纠正人们对雄心的看法，将之称为一种美德——特别是对于女性。书的主题是：女性的工作表现仍如此糟糕，主要是因为我们不够有雄心。我们担心雄心会让自己变成泼妇，因此受到了制约。

关于女性做得不好的那部分——至少是在浮华的职业中——是对的，而且越来越对了。过去一周，各大银行在英国《金融时报》上刊登了整版的广告，恭贺一长串人成为董事总经理。花旗集团(Citigroup)现又增加了189名董事总经理，这个数目大得有些滑稽，而其中仅有20名女性。其它银行的比例也大体相同。

个中原因也许是女性缺乏雄心，但“泼妇问题”也要受到关注。一天，我认识了几十年的一位女士突然说：“你知道我们之间的区别吗？你一直都比我更有雄心。”她微笑着，但传递的讯息却并不友善。她的意思是：“如果说我们的成就不同，那不是天资的反映，而是你受到一种丑陋而不健康方式的疯狂驱动。”或是类似的意思。

不过，不要介意这种女性式的中伤，我认为，有某种更重要、更美好的东西，抑制了女性的雄心。那是一种智慧。女性感到，在工作中非常雄心勃勃，不是个很好的长期战略。花旗集团的189名新任董事总经理有雄心吗？是的。他们感觉满足了吗？我怀疑。每个人现在都必须与其他188名新任和数千名现有的董事总经理竞争。

有雄心的麻烦在于，无论你做得多好，你都有可能做得更好。你向上爬得越高，随着你上方的金字塔变窄，你的选择就越少。尽管你挣着大钱，但一生都会对那些挣钱更多的人嫉妒得咬牙切齿。

无论是对于男性还是对于女性，唯一明智的解决方案是，在一生的不同阶段，关注于雄心壮志的不同层面。那些刚刚开始的人需要很多干劲，但经过几十年之后，正如孔德恩所言，诀窍不是要努力保持雄心壮志，而是要给它一个不错的终结。不是每个人都能成为首席执行官。很少有人能实现他们——按孔德恩的说法就是——“鼓舞人心的职业梦想”。相反，我们需要知道在不继续前进的情况下，如何感受到成功和充实。

我猜女性在这一点上做得比男性好得多。《星期日泰晤士报》(Sunday Times)几年前的一份调查显示，职业女性对自己的工作更满意——除了极少数处于“塔尖”、雄心超凡的人，她们可能比男同事更可怜。

因此，如果最终目标是到达一种幸福的后雄心壮志状态，那么我丈夫可能就是罕见的男性典范。我应该密切地关注他。因为我需要确定他是否确实到了这个阶段，迄今似乎一切都还不错。他昨晚刷牙时高兴地对我说：“雄心壮志，不过是不幸福的人们转移注意力的替代品。”

译者/梁鸥