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2010-5-30 12:57
I've had a succession of PAs, who were either thick or unreliable, but finally I have a good one. He has one flaw: he cries if I say anything remotely critical. Increasingly, I feel manipulated – and I can't raise the matter with him or he'll cry. Furthermore, he's gay – I fear that to confront the tears would make me seem homophobic. I already (unfairly) have the reputation of being a tough bitch and don't want to make it worse.
Director of creative agency, female, 52 Lucy's Answer Having a weeping PA is horrid. It is embarrassing and a bore, as it gets in the way of the work. But being a weeping PA is far worse. All dignity vanishes and the humiliation is total. Given this, your fear that he is doing it on purpose is absurd. I've been close to tears in the office, with eyes watery and voice wobbly. By far the kindest thing the other person can do is to pretend not to notice. This allows you to pull yourself together swiftly. It sounds as if you are already ignoring his tears, but to no effect as his problem is chronic. To stop it you are going to have to find out why he's doing it. There are two possibilities: either something is wrong in his life outside work making him miserable, or he is crying because you really are a tough bitch after all. Perhaps you undermine and criticise him all the time and he can't handle it. I suggest you take him out for a drink, and ask how he is finding things. Don't dream of mentioning the tears, but say you are worried that he isn't happy in the job. Tell him this troubles you as he is the best PA you've ever had. Following the pep talk, experiment with being really nice. Try a moratorium on all criticism. Or if you need to criticise, do it as gently as you can. Probably you'll find it annoying to have to tiptoe round him, but tiptoeing is surely less annoying than losing someone good and having another “thick” PA instead. The fact that he's gay has nothing to do with it. The fact that he's a man and you're a woman makes the tears all the more embarrassing because they are so unusual. Which makes it all the more important to find a way of stemming them Your Advice Blubbing envy I have experienced my fair share of blubbing PAs, as well as blubbing women managers. I regard it as a strength of such women that they can express emotion in the workplace and move on. I regret that social and cultural norms have prevented me as a man doing the same. I had to make up for it outside work. I'm glad to see that one man at least does not have this inhibition. Ex-director, male, 56 Help for him If he's crying it's probably because he's having a flashback to being humiliated in the past. Send him on a development course to grow into his adult identity a bit more. PhD, female, 39 Homophobic? I am gay and find it absurd that you think that holding gay people accountable for their actions could be construed as homophobic. MD, male, 40s Help for you You need a course in diplomacy to learn how to give feedback in a constructive way. It sounds like you enjoy being seen as a tough bitch. This all sounds like a self- esteem issue to me – yours. Get help! MD, female, 42 You're soft It's hard to believe you have a reputation of being a tough bitch when you are being so utterly soft with this character. He is shamelessly manipulating you. Keep your criticism fair, factual and free from homophobia, and make it clear you expect him to deal with it in an adult manner. Consultant, male, 45 Be a man Welcome to our world. Male managers have learnt to live with emotional female staff for centuries. Accept that you are the man in this relationship and deal with it as you would with any other over-emotional woman. Director, male, 40 Blub blog Please don't try to sort him out. Just set up a blog and keep us informed. Consultant, male, 50s 我曾有过一连串私人助理，他们要么愚笨，要么不可靠，但最终我找到了一个不错的人。他只有一个缺点：如果我说了什么特别挑剔的话，他就会哭。渐渐地，我觉得自己被控制住了──而且，我不能和他提这件事，否则他会哭。另外，他是个同性恋──我担心，如果我无视他的眼泪，会让我看上去有同性恋恐惧症似的。我已经（不公正地）有了“刁钻的泼妇”这个名声，我可不想让事情变得更糟。
创意机构主管，女，52岁 露西的回答 有个爱哭的私人助理很可怕。这既令人为难又让人厌烦，因为这会妨碍工作。但作为一个爱哭的私人助理，情况要糟糕得多。所有的尊严都消失了，而且还很丢人。考虑到这一点，你不用担心他是故意的。 我有过差点在办公室哭出来的经历，眼睛湿湿的，声音哽咽。当时，其他人能做的最好的事，就是假装没注意。这会让你迅速振作起来。 听起来，你似乎已经在忽视他的眼泪，但没什么效果，因为他的问题是慢性的。为了防止这种情况继续发生，你必须找出他这么做的原因。有两种可能：要么是在他工作以外的生活中出了什么事让他很难受，要么他哭就是因为你确实是个刁钻的泼妇。或许你总是挫伤他、批评他，这让他无法对付。 我建议你带他出去喝一杯，问问他是怎么回事。不要提哭的事，但要告诉他，你担心他可能不太满意现在的工作。告诉他，这令你很苦恼，因为他是你最好的私人助理。 在这次鼓励谈话后，试着和蔼一些。尝试暂停一切形式的批评。如果你确实需要批评他，那么就尽量做得温和些。 或许你会发现，小心翼翼地对待他比较烦，但这种小心翼翼着实要比失去一个好帮手、再有另一个愚笨的私人助理好得多。 他是同性恋的事实和这没什么关系。不过，他是个男人而你是个女人这个事实，倒让那些眼泪变得很尴尬，因为这太不寻常了。因此，你更需要找到一种方法制止这种事的发生。 读者的建议 嫉妒 我也有过同样的经历，有过爱哭的私人助理，还遇到过爱哭的女经理。我将眼泪视为这些女人的一种强项，她们可以在工作场所宣泄情绪，然后继续工作。很遗憾，作为一个男人，社会和文化标准让我不能做同样的事。我只能在工作之余予以弥补。我很高兴看到至少有一个男人不必受到这种禁忌的束缚。 前任董事，男，56岁。 给他的帮助 如果他哭，那可能是因为他回想起过去被人羞辱的事。送他去参加一个发展课程，让他变得更成熟一点。 博士，女，39岁 同性恋恐惧症？ 我是个同性恋，我觉得，你认为让同性恋对他们的行为负责就是同性恋恐惧症，这种想法很荒谬。 医学博士，男，40多岁。 帮帮你自己吧 你需要上堂外交课，学会如何以一种建设性方式给出反馈。听起来，你喜欢被看成一个刁钻的泼妇。在我看来，这完全是个自尊问题——你的自尊。寻求帮助吧！ 医学博士，女，42岁 你有点软弱 很难相信，你对这个人如此软弱，却拥有刁钻泼妇这种名声。他正在不知羞耻地操控你。让你的批评保持公正、属实而且与同性恋恐惧症无关，明确表示，你希望他能以成人的态度处理此事。 咨询顾问，男，45岁 像个男人吧 欢迎到我们的世界里来。数百年来，男性管理者已经学会了如何与感性的女员工共事。在这种关系中，要假设你是个男性，并且要用对付过于感性的女士的方式处理此事。 主管，男，40岁 开个关于哭的博客 请不要试图把他单挑出来。建个博客，让我们知道事情的进展。 咨询顾问，男，50多岁。 译者/梁鸥 |