【英语生活】一位母亲的渴望

Different people aspire to different things. As I write this, my only aspiration is to leave Heathrow Airport. I have been sitting on BA 1446 to Edinburgh for over an hour and a half and it has yet to leave the tarmac.I am only going to Scotland for the afternoon, although at this rate it will be the evening before I get there. I will return later in the month with Cost Centre #1, on our annual pilgrimage to the Edinburgh Fringe. Last year, we were accompanied by one of CC#1’s best friends from school. This was not a burden so much as a privilege. As a parent, I aspire to having a child like this friend - straight As in all subjects, 1st XV rugby, 1st XI cricket and, just to cap it all, interested and knowledgeable on current affairs and immensely polite and helpful around the house. Plus sensible with money, gets out of bed on time and puts his laundry in the bin rather than on the floor. I almost feel like paying his parents for taking him away with us.

Is this a new business idea, perhaps, a way of turning cost centres into profit centres: raise immaculately behaved and delightful children and then rent them out to people who don’t have any and need some to stand in at a social event?

In fact, you wouldn’t even have to be childless; you could just leave yours at home and take theirs instead. Now I come to think of it, why stop at children? Mr M is very good company and excellent at engaging client spouses in conversation about sport or wine, depending on their sex. Perhaps I should start renting him out to recoup the cost of the annual golf membership.

As CC#1’s friend is his parents’ second such offspring (he has an equally accomplished and delightful older sister who is about to go to Oxford), we shall call him Profit Centre #2. PC#2 came with us to St Tropez this year where, among others, we had houseguests from the US who were not familiar with the British education system. CC#1 was trying to explain to them and me why he considered a girl he knew to be a little more intellectually challenged than him. “Mum,” he said “she is doing Single Award Science.”

A word of explanation. In the days of the dinosaurs, when I attended school, we did examinations called O-levels at 16, for which most of us studied and got separate passes in the three sciences - physics, chemistry and biology. These days, even at ridiculously overpriced educational establishments such as that attended by CC#1, most students (including him) cover two-thirds of the syllabus for each subject, take three watered-down exams and get 3x2/3, ie two, exam credits - Dual Award Science. PC#2, being a superstar, crammed in extra lessons and did all three sciences in full. What I had not realised until recently is that it is possible to study one-third of the syllabus and take three really watered down exams - the Single Award Science of the girl in question.

Our American houseguests listened to this intently. “Let me get this straight,” the husband said. “PC#2 is doing Science, CC#1 is doing Science Lite, and the girlfriend is doing Science Lite Decaffeinated.” Indeed.

CC#1 is on holiday again right now, in Portugal, where together with three school friends he has rented a flat for a week. Many people are shocked that we have let him go away unsupervised. My Newest Girlfriend, an Australian in the fund management industry, was even more shocked that the landlord had only asked for a ?300 deposit. “Presumably no flat-screen TVs or glassware,” was her comment.

NG works with both traditional, long-only fund managers and a few hedge-fund managers, who one imagines have a more glamorous time of it. What, I asked her, did she do if the long-only managers aspired to run hedge funds instead? Apparently she makes them run a dummy hedge fund for a year and sees how they get on. If they do well, then they are in with a chance. NG also applies this test of aspiration at home. Her household has recently acquired a puppy, a pet for her young daughter. The daughter had asked for the pet a year ago. The answer was yes, provided she ran a “dummy” pet for a year, reading up on pet care and writing a project for her mother on dogs.

CC#1 aspired to owning a dog for years and was always denied one. He was mightily put out when, last year, once his aspirations had moved on (to a video iPod), we acquired a black Labrador bitch, a cute little puppy, to train up as a gun dog. He was even more put out when she recently went into season for the first time. Despite the Science Lite syllabus covering the menstrual cycle and everything anyone could want to know about the lining of the womb, he refused to enter the kitchen to make toast until either (a) I issued him with a full chemical warfare suit or (b) I preceded him with a mop and disinfectant.

No such nonsense, I am sure, at the home of PC#2, where they also have a Labrador. I did ask PC#2 once rather wistfully (after having a heated discussion about something with CC#1, no doubt alcohol or money, or both) whether he ever argued about anything with his parents. Yes, came the reply. What? “Whether or not I should do Greek GCSE.” Arguing about Greek GCSE. Wouldn’t that be something to aspire to?

人不同，渴望也不同。写这篇文章时，我唯一的渴望便是离开伦敦希思罗机场。我已经在飞往爱丁堡的英国航空1446航班上坐了超过一个半小时，但飞机还没离开跑道呢。我去苏格兰只想呆一下午，照这个速度，到那里将是晚上了。本月晚些时候，我会和“成本中心1号”一起重返苏格兰，进行我们一年一度的“爱丁堡边缘艺术节”(Edinburgh Fringe)朝圣之旅。去年，与我们一同前往的是“成本中心1号”的一位同校好友。带上他与其说是负担，还不如说是荣幸。作为家长，我渴望拥有像这个孩子一样的子女——所有科目全优，15人制橄榄球赛头号队员，11人制板球赛头号队员，最令人叫绝的是，他对时事有兴趣也十分了解，并且极有礼貌，是个家务活的好帮手。再加上用钱不大手大脚，每天准时起床，而且换洗的衣服扔到洗衣篮里而不是地板上。我几乎都想付钱给他父母让他和我们一起去了。

这或许是个新的商业创意，是个把“成本中心”们转变成“利润中心”的法子：抚养举止得体、讨人喜欢的孩子，然后把他们租给没有儿女，但需要有人作为子女在社交场合陪同的人。是不是？

实际上，你有儿女也没关系，你可以把自己的孩子留在家里，带上别人的孩子作为替代。现在我开始想，为什么局限于孩子呢？钱眼先生是非常优秀的同伴，善于把客户的配偶引入有关体育或葡萄酒的谈话（具体取决于他们的性别）。也许我该开始把他出租，补偿每年高尔夫会员费的成本。

鉴于“成本中心1号”的朋友是他父母的第二个如此优秀的孩子（他有一个同样多才多艺、讨人喜欢的姐姐，马上就要进牛津了），我们应当叫他“利润中心2号”。今年“利润中心2号”和我们一起去了圣托佩(St Tropez)，那里我们有几个来自美国的留宿客人，他们对英国的教育体系不熟悉。“成本中心1号”试图向我和他们解释，为什么他认为他认识的一个女孩比他的智商要低一点。“妈，”他说，“她只选了一门自然科学课程。”

解释一下。很早以前我们上学时，16岁时要参加被称为“O-levels”(中等教育普通证书GCSE的前称)的考试。为了这次考试，我们大部分人要学习三门自然科学——物理、化学和生物，并且分别通过各科测验。现在，即便是“成本中心1号”上的那种学费贵得出奇的教育机构，大多数学生（包括他）也只要完成每个学科三分之二的课程大纲，参加3个打了折扣的考试，然后得到3x2/3——也就是两个考试学分：双理科学分(Dual Award Science)。作为一名超级明星，“利润中心2号”用功修读了额外课程，完成了所有3门自然学科的全部内容。我最近才认识到，学完三分之一的课程大纲，并参加三门大打折扣的考试，并非没有可能——比如上面所说的选单科自然科学课程的女生。

我的美国客人专心致志地听着。“我是这样理解的，”客人中的丈夫说道，“‘利润中心2号’学的是自然科学，‘成本中心1号’学的是‘低盐自然科学’，而这位女生学的是‘低盐脱咖啡因自然科学’。”他说得真对。

“成本中心1号”又放假了，现正在葡萄牙度假，跟三个校友合租了一套公寓，租期一周。我们让他在没有大人看管的情况下独自去度假，许多人都感到震惊。我的最新女友(简称NG)是澳大利亚人，在基金管理业工作。她对房东只要了300英镑押金感到更加震惊。“大概是房间里没有平板电视或玻璃器具，”她如是评论道。

NG的同事中既有传统的做多型基金经理，也有一些对冲基金经理。在人们的想象中，后者现在更风光一些。我问她，如果做多型基金经理立志转做对冲基金，她怎么办？显然，她会让他们做一年虚拟对冲基金，然后看看表现如何。如果做的好，那他们就有机会。NG同样也把这项志向测验应用在家里。她家最近为小女儿买了一条小狗作为宠物。女儿一年前就向她要一只宠物。她回答说可以，但条件是她要先养一年“虚拟”宠物，读一些关于照顾宠物的书，并为母亲写一个关于养狗的方案。

“成本中心1号”想养只狗已经很多年了，但我们总是不答应。去年他的志向转向了其它东西（一个视频iPod），但我们买了一只可爱的黑色拉布拉多小母狗，并打算把它训练成一条猎狗，这使他感到十分不快。令他感到更加不快的是，这条母狗进入了第一次发情期。尽管“低盐自然科学”的课程大纲包括了月经周期和任何人想要知道的关于子宫内膜的一切知识，他还是拒绝进厨房做吐司，除非(a)我给他发一整套化学战服装，或者(b)我在他之前先拿拖把和消毒剂打扫一番。

“利润中心2号”的家里也有一只拉布拉多犬，但我确信，他们家绝不会发生这种荒谬的事。我的确曾满怀希望地问过“利润中心2号”（之前我刚跟“成本中心1号”进行了一场热烈的讨论，毫无疑问是关于酒精或钱的，或者二者都有），他是否跟父母争论过什么。是的，他回答说。什么？“关于我是否应该修希腊语GCSE课程。”争论希腊语GCSE课程，这难道不是一件值得渴望的事吗？

译者/张征