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2010-5-30 13:43
I am an advertising “suit” who has just done something unfortunate at our Christmas party. After the meal I went out drinking with the newest member of my team who is ambitious, attractive...and dangerous. You can imagine the rest. The next day I tried to apologise and say it was a mistake. She refused to accept that, and is clearly expecting a repeat performance. If I am any more blunt, I am worried she will spill the beans internally, or tell my wife. Help. Advertising exec, male, 36
When I first read your problem I planned to be horrid in my answer. But having seen the hysterical moral indignation of some readers (see below) I now feel sorry for you. As weak, back-sliding philanderers go, you are small beer. It doesn't sound like you've done this before and you feel guilty and realise you have a problem that you want to put right. Unfortunately, you don't just have one problem, you have three: the wife problem, the gorgeous colleague problem, and the other- people-at-work problem. First, your wife. Don't tell her. If I were married to you (and on balance, I'm quite glad I'm not) I'd much rather not know. The only reason for owning up would be if the “dangerous” woman is going to tell on you. But unless she is a mad, vindictive nutter she will not do this, as it would make her look morally dodgy as well as a reject. As for the other-people- at-work problem, it is only too probable they already know. How many of them saw the two of you staggering off drunkenly together after the party? Yet even if they do, the damage to your prospects may be nil (hers are another thing altogether). Especially in advertising, sex with an attractive colleague is neither terribly unusual nor terribly frowned-upon. The only really tricky thing is how you should cope with her. You are going to have to be distant and professional and stick to it. She will almost certainly respond to your new chilly style by making your life wretched. You can expect sarcastic little asides and multiple attempts to undermine you. The best thing would be to move her to another part of the company, though this may be impossible: one false move and she could take you to the cleaners. In all, it doesn't look pretty. And I fear the hours you spent together were not nearly good enough to justify it. Or even if they were, I am guessing that you cannot remember any but the haziest details. COWARD AND CHEAT It is you who is “dangerous”. You're the one who cheated on your wife, and now you've had your way with your attractive colleague, you think it's unreasonable for her not to pretend it never happened. I suggest you tell her that you're a coward and philanderer, and that she could do a lot better. Think about telling your wife the same thing. Journalist, female, 24 NASTY GIFT FOR WIFE Get yourself screened for sexually transmitted infections. Having already humiliated your wife you should not make things worse by giving her an unwanted Christmas gift of an STI. Doctor, male, 40s ROT IN HELL Advertising is an industry in which many senior married men think that sleeping with their young, attractive female colleagues is a fringe benefit. It is not. You deserve many sleepless nights and a stress ulcer. Ad exec, female, 30s KEEP SCHTUM 1. NEVER tell your wife. Honesty can be hurtful. 2. NEVER have sex with anyone other than your wife again. 3. Ignore your colleague's threats and don't be alarmed by her histrionics. Bunny-boiling is so 1980s. Analyst, female, 45 FULL DISCLOSURE Been there, done that, lied about it. But I don't recommend you do the same, since in your case it was a one-off, and I've found lying creates problems. You should admit all to your wife. The modern wife suspects that all her husband's office colleagues are predatory man-eaters anyway. So this will merely endorse her view. Also, own up to your boss. He/she already knows that “Miss X” is a risk. Do it immediately and Miss X loses any “advantage”. Executive, male, 59 MID-LIFE CRISIS Why did you do it? My guess is that with two young children, you feel old and responsible, and want to feel young, dangerous and desirable again. You need to deal with the underlying causes of that and get some help. Manager, female, 34 HALF YOUR LUCK I would love to have this problem. Executive, male, 52 我是个广告业人士，刚刚在圣诞晚会上干了件蠢事。晚饭后，我和团队中最新来的一位成员出去喝酒，她有野心，有吸引力，还有……危险。接下来发生的事你可想而知。第二天，我试图道歉，告诉她那是个错误。但她拒绝接受，而且显然期望再来一次。如果我再直截了当一些，我担心她会在公司内说漏嘴，或者告诉我妻子。帮帮我！广告业高管，男，36岁
一开始读到你的问题时，我打算在回答中吓唬你一下。但看到一些读者从道德角度表示出的歇斯底里的愤慨（见下文）之后，我现在觉得你很可怜。 按意志薄弱、日益堕落、爱调情的男人来衡量，你还太嫩了。听起来好像你以前没干过这种事，你感到内疚，意识到自己有一个错误想要纠正。 不幸的是，你的问题不是一个，而是三个：妻子的问题，那位漂亮同事的问题，还有其它同事的问题。 首先，你的妻子。别告诉她。如果是我嫁给了你（总的来说，我非常庆幸我没有），我宁愿不知道这件事。坦白承认的唯一理由是，那位“危险”的女士可能会告你的状。但除非她是个怀恨在心的疯子，否则她不会这么做，因为这会使她看上去在道德上不可靠，而且还是个被弃之人。 至于其它同事，很有可能他们已经知道了。有多少人看见你们两个在晚会之后醉醺醺地一起晃晃悠悠地出去了？ 不过，即使他们知道，对你前途的损害可能也是零（至于她，则完全是另一回事）。尤其是在广告业，与有魅力的同事发生性关系，既不十分稀罕，也不会很遭人唾弃。 唯一真正棘手的，是你该如何对付她。你必须显得疏远而职业化，而且要坚持这一点。几乎可以肯定，她会努力让你生活悲惨，以此来回应你冷淡的新风格。你可以料想到那些冷言冷语和各种打击你的尝试。 最好是将她调到公司的其它部门，不过这或许不可能：一步踏错，她就能让你一败涂地。 总之，这看起来不妙。而且，恐怕你们在一起的那几个小时，也没有美妙到足以证明值得这样做。即便真的那么美妙，我猜想除了极模糊的细节外，你也记不得什么了。 胆小鬼、骗子 你才“危险”。你欺骗了妻子，现在对你那个有魅力的同事也想怎样就怎样了，你认为她不假装什么也没发生是不合理的。我建议你告诉她，你是个胆小鬼，是个爱调情的男人，还要告诉她，她可以做得更好。考虑一下跟妻子说同样的话。 记者，女，24岁 给妻子的肮脏礼物 去做性传播疾病检查。你已经令妻子蒙羞，不应再把事情搞得更糟——把性病作为一份讨厌的圣诞礼物送给她。 医生，男，40多岁 去死吧 许多资深已婚男士都认为，在广告业，与年轻、有魅力的女同事睡觉是一项额外的福利。这是错的。你会有许多不眠之夜和应激性溃疡的。 广告业高管，女，30多岁 保持沉默 1、永远不要告诉妻子。诚实会造成伤害。2、永远不要再与妻子以外的任何人发生性关系。3、不要理会同事的威胁，不要被她的表演吓住。纠缠不休是上世纪80年代的事。 完全坦白 同样的境况，同样的遭遇，撒了谎。但我不建议你也这么做，因为就你的情况来看，这是一次性的，而且我已经发现撒谎带来了许多问题。你应该向你妻子坦白一切。反正现代的妻子都会怀疑，丈夫办公室里的所有同事都是掠夺成性的男士杀手。因此，这只是印证了她的观点。同时，向老板坦白。他/她已经知道“X小姐”是个危险人物。马上就这么做，那么X小姐就会失去全部“优势”。 高管，男，59岁 中年危机 你为什么这么做？我猜，在有了两个孩子之后，你感到自己变老了，而且担负着责任，你希望再次体验年轻、刺激和性欲。你需要解决造成问题的根本原因，并获得某些帮助。 经理，女，34岁 只要有你一半的运气 我愿意有这样的问题。 高管，男，52岁 译者/何黎 |