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2010-5-30 11:12
The Problem
My son has started at a top school and to my horror I find he is in the same class as the son of a man whose bullying forced me to leave a job I loved. We were co-managing directors and the sight of his name still makes me feel sick. He was in trouble when I left, as the company was forced to settle with me. I cannot face the thought of bumping into him. Should I confront him? Do I tell other parents? Tell my son to keep his distance? What if they become friends? I couldn't bear it. Banker, female, 40 LUCY'S ANSWER The answers to your questions are No, No and No. Don't confront him, as what would you say – “I still hate you, you beastly bully, and I'm telling you right now that your son isn't invited to any of my son's parties”? Don't tell other parents, as you would only sound mad and bitter. And they do not need to be warned against him as he is most unlikely to start bullying stray parents at school functions. Above all, don't tell your son. He needs to decide which of the other boys he likes without heavy breathing from you. Comfort yourself with the thought that banking executives have rather a lot on their plates at the moment so are not likely to be taking their sons to school and even less likely to be hanging around the school gates for a gossip. Unless they have just been fired, that is. Either way, you need to put what happened in the past. He isn't bullying you any more. You left the company and he got into trouble, so he will want to avoid you even more keenly than you want to avoid him. You may have to endure the sight of him at parents' evenings, but there will be lots of other people there for you to duck behind. If you do come face to face with him, give an icy smile, say hello and congratulate yourself on being so dignified. If the thought of doing that leaves you feeling too sick, you may need a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy to get the requisite distance from the blighter. There is a danger that his son will become friends with yours, but more likely he will report that the boy is a knobhead. In that case you can take great pleasure in saying airily that you aren't surprised: the father is a cad, too. YOUR ADVICE Just dessert I once fired a subordinate who lied about having an affair with my secretary. Four years later I realised his son and my daughter were about to start at the same school. I took the headmaster out for a dinner at a restaurant where he wouldn't be able to pay for even a starter. Result: the serpent's offspring never entered a single class at my daughter's school. Anon, male Like father The worst thing that could happen, I believe, is that he grooms his son to continue the battle by proxy. This could be quite likely if he's the kind of person you describe him to be – and from what you write he may well feel himself to be the loser from the whole affair. To pre-empt that it is essential that you make the school fully aware of the situation. Anon, male Key his car This is a problem I can really relate to. At my youngest child's school, someone keyed my Porsche Cayenne during the parent-teacher meeting. I suspected my second wife, but then I saw this guy I had taken an account off a couple of years back. Some people are just so small-minded. So whatever you do, don't key his car. It's not nice – and you wouldn't believe how much it costs to respray two-toned gold and purple. Banker, male, 39 School tie Remove your son from the “top” school and send him to the local state school. There he will get a broad education and experience a rich and diverse social mix, which is less likely to include the offspring of obnoxious MDs. Director, male, 53 Smack him Bullies are not bullies outside their safe work environment, where nobody knows they're an MD and where you can smack them. And you got the settlement and he cost the company money, so what's your problem? Anon, male 问题：我儿子已经在一所顶级学校上学了，我惊恐地发现，他竟然和迫使我离开自己钟爱工作的那个恶棍的儿子同班。
我们曾经是联席董事总经理，直到现在，看见他的名字还会让我觉得不舒服。我离开公司时，他遇到了麻烦，因为公司被迫与我和解。我无法面对可能会碰上他的想法。 我应该跟他对抗吗？我要告诉其他家长吗？告诉儿子与他的儿子保持距离？他们如果成为朋友，怎么办？我无法忍受。 银行家，女性，40岁 露西的回答： 给你的回答是不，不，不。 不要与他对抗，难不成你要说：“我仍然恨你，你这个无耻的恶棍，我现在就告诉你，我们不会邀请你的儿子参加我儿子的任何一次派对”？ 不要告诉其他家长，因为这只会让你听上去像个恶毒的疯子。他们不需要你的警告，因为他最不可能的就是在学校活动中欺负陌生的家长。最重要的是，不要告诉你儿子。他不需要在你语重心长的教训下去决定跟谁交朋友。 你不妨这样安慰自己：银行高管目前已经忙得不可开交，所以不太可能会去送儿子上学，更不可能会在学校门口闲话家常。除非他们刚被解雇。 无论如何，你需要将过去发生的事置诸脑后。他不会再欺凌你了。你离开了公司，而他陷入了麻烦，因此与你希望躲着他相比，他更希望躲着你。 你可能不得不忍受在家长会上见到他，不过那里会有很多人，你可以躲在他们身后。如果你确实面对面碰到了他，冷淡地笑一下，打声招呼，然后庆贺自己如此有风度。如果想到这么做会让你觉得很恶心，或许你需要一点认知行为疗法，与那个讨厌的家伙保持必要的距离。 他儿子和你儿子成为朋友的危险是存在的，但更有可能的是，你儿子会对你说那个男孩是个白痴。如果是那样，你就可以满怀喜悦，轻松地表示你毫不吃惊：他父亲也是一个无赖。 读者的建议 不过是一道甜点 我解雇过一名下属，他在与我的秘书有染这件事上撒了谎。4年后，我发现他的儿子与我的女儿即将在同一家学校就读。我邀请学校校长去一家餐馆用餐，他可能甚至付不起那家餐馆的开胃菜钱。结果：那个阴险的人的儿子从未踏进过我女儿学校的任何一间教室。 佚名，男性 子如其父 我认为，最糟糕的情况可能是他让儿子代表自己继续这场战斗。如果他是你所描述的那种人，这种情况很有可能发生，而从你文中所述来看，他很可能觉得自己是整件事的受害者。为了先发制人，你让学校完全了解情况很必要。 佚名，男性 刮花他的车 我对这个问题有切身体会。在我最小孩子的学校，有人在家长会期间刮花了我的保时捷卡宴(Porsche Cayenne)。我曾怀疑是我的第二任妻子，但随后我看到了这个家伙——几年前我辞退了他。一些人就是这样心胸狭隘。所以，无论你做什么，别刮他的车。这很不好——你无法想象重新喷涂金、紫两色漆要花多少钱。 银行家，男性，39岁 学校纽带 让你的儿子离开“顶级”学校，送他去本地的公立学校。在那里，他会受到广泛的教育，并体验丰富多样的社会构成，而不大可能碰到讨厌的常务董事的子女。 董事，男性，53岁 打击他 离开了安全的工作环境，恶棍就不能再做恶棍了，没有人知道他们是董事总经理，你可以打击他们。你得到了和解，而他花费了公司的钱，你还有什么问题呢？ 佚名，男性 译者/董琴、陈云飞 |