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2010-5-30 11:05
THE PROBLEM
I have sent my 10-year-old son off to an adventure camp for half term. The camp has called to say he is homesick and when I spoke to him he sounded miserable. I would like to get into the car now and fetch him but it would mean missing my annual appraisal with my boss – and she is famously disapproving of women who let their children interfere with their work. Should I get him now? And if so should I tell my boss the truth – that he is homesick – or do I pretend to be ill myself? Manager, female, 39 LUCY'S ANSWER If your son is 10, I'm surprised you're not an old hand at dealing with these little crises by now. Work pulls one way, children the other, leaving you in the middle trying to untangle the strands of duty, fear and guilt. It is never nice, or easy. A lot of readers have written in saying smugly: “I always put my children first.” This is remarkably unhelpful. We all put our children first – subject to the constraints of earning a living and having a career. The two clash, often, and in each case you have to weigh up two competing evils. In your case, it isn't clear what putting your son first means. That depends on your attitude to misery, to homesickness and to the building of backbone. Perfectly reasonable-sounding parents disagree on this violently. Many believe that children benefit from being unhappy but I've never seen how misery helps form character at all. I was the wimpiest, most homesick child in my class. I remember every horrible minute of my school trip to Belgium at 10, and it formed my character only to the extent that I discovered staying away from home was hell and that I would have to plan carefully in future to avoid ever letting it happen again. If I were you I'd get into that car right now and go and get him. As for the work appraisal, that's easy too: I would lie. Many readers say your boss sounds so awful you should look for a new job. This is too extreme. If she is famously disapproving about family demands then everyone else simply needs to be famously disinclined to tell the truth – and working life can then proceed more or less as normal. With any luck, your annual appraisal, usually a wretched waste of time, may be postponed or, better still, forgotten about altogether. YOUR ADVICE Hugs, kisses As chief executive of an organisation that turns over $1bn a year, my advice is very short: get in your car, pick up your son and don't worry about the performance review. Buy the kid a great big ice cream on the drive home. Hugs and kisses are also in order. Give your boss a call, explain the situation, even offer to carry out the review by mobile phone, or next morning at an early breakfast meeting. If she doesn't understand, start looking for a new job. CEO, male, 43 Tough love As a former summer camp counsellor I can tell you that homesickness is normal. Your son may cry for you the first few days of camp, but if you tough it out and make him stay, by the time camp ends he will be pleading with you to stay longer with his new friends. Be tough – stay for your annual appraisal – both you and he will be better off in the end. Anon, male Two wimps Don't do anything. An occasional bout of misery, whether at home or elsewhere, is an unpleasant but vital part of growing up. If you remove your son early from the adventure camp, your boss will think you are just as pathetic as he is. Fund manager, male Brownie mark Tell your son you will get him the next day. This will cheer him up enormously and get him through the next 24 hours. Then, when you're with your boss, mention some very sad news you've just received about a sick relative. Earn brownie points for (bravely) making your annual appraisal, but have a good excuse for being absent the next day. Working mother Hello Muddah Listen to Allan Sherman's “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”. It's all part of growing up. Lawyer, male, 55 问题我把10岁的儿子送到探险训练营去了半个学期。训练营的老师打电话给我，说我儿子很想家；我跟他说话时，他听上去非常痛苦。我真想现在就跳上汽车，去把他接回来，但这意味着我将错过老板对我进行的年度评估——我的老板出名地不赞成让孩子妨碍女性的工作。我应该现在就去接儿子吗？如果是，那么我是应该告诉老板实情——儿子想家，还是应该装病？
经理，女，39岁 露西的答案 如果你的儿子已经10岁，我很吃惊，你竟然还不是处理这些小问题的老手。一边是工作，一边是孩子，把你留在中间去处理责任、担心和内疚之间的矛盾。这从来不是一件愉快的事，也不容易解决。 许多读者写信来洋洋得意地说：“我始终把孩子放在第一位。”这一点帮助也没有。我们都把孩子放在第一位，同时还要受到赚钱谋生和职业发展的约束。两者通常会发生冲突，每一次你都不得不权衡这两种对立的力量。 就你而言，我不清楚你所说的把儿子放在第一位意味着什么。这取决于你对痛苦、想家和锻炼毅力的态度。那些看似非常通情达理的父母坚决反对这种观点。许多人认为，不幸会让孩子们受益，但我从来不认为痛苦有助于形成一个人的性格。 我曾是班里最软弱、最恋家的孩子。我还记得10岁时到比利时求学途中可怕的每一分钟，它对我性格的影响只是，我发现离开家就像进了地狱，我将来不得不谨慎规划，以免这种事再次发生。 如果我是你，我会马上开车去接儿子。至于工作评估，太简单了：我会撒谎。 许多读者说，你的老板太可怕了，你应该找份新的工作。这种想法过于极端。如果她出名地不赞成家庭需要，那么其他每个人只需要出名地不愿意说实话就行了，这样，工作生活就能基本上正常进行了。 如果幸运的话，你的年度评估（通常是浪费时间）或许可以推迟——更好的结果是，彻底被老板忘记。 读者建议 拥抱亲吻他 作为一位年营业额10亿美元的公司的首席执行官，我的建议非常简短：开车去接孩子，别担心业绩评估。回家的路上给儿子买一个大大的冰激凌。还要拥抱他，亲吻他。给你的老板打个电话，把情况解释一下，甚至可以提出通过手机进行评估，或者在第二天早晨提前开的早餐会上进行。如果她不理解，那你就开始找一份新的工作。 首席执行官，男，43岁 严厉的爱 作为一位前夏令营辅导员，我可以告诉你，想家是正常的。你的儿子可能会在开始几天吵着要见你，但如果你坚持住让他留下来，到夏令营结束时，他就会恳求你让他与新朋友们再多待一段时间。忍住吧——留下来做年度评估——最终，你和儿子都会高兴。 匿名，男 一对懦弱的人 什么都不要做。偶尔一段时间的痛苦（不管是在家还是在别的地方）都不会令人愉快，但却是成长的重要组成部分。如果你让儿子提前离开探险训练营，你的老板会认为你和儿子一样可怜。 基金经理，男 道德分 告诉你的儿子，你第二天就会去接他。这会让他非常振奋，帮助他度过接下来的24小时。 然后，当你和老板在一起时，跟她说你刚刚听到一位亲戚患病的不幸消息。（勇敢地）为参加年度评估赚取一些道德分，但为第二天请假找到一个好借口。 工作妈妈 你好妈妈 听从艾伦•谢尔曼(Allan Sherman)《你好妈妈，你好爸爸》(Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah)（译者注：本书描写了一位参加训练营的孩子给父母的来信）一书中的建议吧。这是成长的一部分。 律师，男，55岁 译者/梁艳裳 |