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2010-5-30 11:06
The problem
I am the only woman in a team of 15 at an investment bank. My colleagues endlessly stand around talking and have coffee and drinks together and go to the gym. I hate the “team dinners” and usually don't go as I feel I am unwelcome and prevent them from talking “man talk”. My managing director told me I should spend more time with the team – which is ridiculous as I already spend 14 hours a day with them. Do I have to do as he says if I want to advance? Banker, female, 24 LUCY'S ANSWER When I was 22, I was the only woman on a male team in a bank. I often used to go out drinking with my colleagues and I gained two things from the experience: savage headaches and an even more savage anxiety over what I had said the night before. I doubt if any of my team-mates liked me any more for my copycat drinking and if my boss was impressed he never let on. It was all quite sad: I was trying to fit in and failing, not just because I was a woman but because I was altogether in the wrong job. It isn't clear from your message if you are suited to banking or not. You don't mention crying in the loo, so I assume that otherwise you are happy enough. You ask if you can advance without hobnobbing. The answer is yes, at least for a bit. You think your sex is against you; actually it is rather in your favour. Being one in 15 means that if your manager fails to nurture you, he will be forced by HR to go on painful diversity training courses. I suspect he has told you to socialise because that is his crass way of nurturing you. I suggest you forget about spending extra time with the team and concentrate on being more friendly during the 14 hours you are cooped up with them. You say they spend time standing around talking. Surely you can manage this too? It is easy – you just need to stand around and talk. If you can't do that, then you have quite a serious problem and need to think about quitting. You mention coffee, drinks, the gym. Your strategy on these respectively is yes, no and no way. As for the team dinners, you should attend very occasionally and be as charming as you can. Otherwise just say no. Some of your team-mates may even grudgingly respect you for having a sliver of life outside. YOUR ADVICE Clubbable To be a successful investment banker, one needs to build solid relationships with clients. If you do not get along well with colleagues, your managing director is unlikely to believe you will be able to do that. Like it or not, most of your firm's clients are male, so you should start learning how to socialise with them by practising with your colleagues. Banker, male Get out What your managing director really means is that to survive in investment banking you need to become one of the “men”. My advice is to get out now while you are still junior and thus inexpensive to hire. Ex-banker, female, 40 Be better I understand how you feel. As a Muslim, I don't like hanging out with colleagues in pubs, and have lost out as a result. On occasion I have swallowed my beliefs and gone along, but if you don't enjoy it they will see through your token efforts. I have decided the only way to differentiate myself is by being better than my colleagues. Banker, male, 31 In tune I work in IT in a male-dominated environment. I have solved the problem by inviting my team to concerts and found the response was very good. You could also try to do other things that don't involve drinking in a pub, like visiting an exhibition. IT manager, female Total misery You spend 14 hours a day with people you don't like? All that is left is to marry someone you can't stand and you've ruined your life. Who needs happiness when there is an annual bonus to mortgage on a tomorrow that might never come? Director, male, 41 问题我在一家投行工作，在一个15人的团队中，我是唯一的女性。我的同事无休止地围站着聊天、一起喝咖啡、喝酒、去健身房。我讨厌“小组晚宴”(team dinners)，通常不会参加，因为我觉得我不受欢迎，还有碍他们谈“男人的话题”(man talk)。我的董事总经理对我说，我应该多和小组相处——这真可笑，因为我已经每天与他们相处14个小时了。如果我想晋升的话，需要照他说的做吗？
银行家，女性，24岁 露西的答案 当我22岁的时候，我也曾是某家银行一个男性团队中唯一一名女性。我经常和同事一起出去喝酒，从这个经历中我得到了两件东西：严重的头痛，以及更为严重的担心前夜说所的话。我怀疑，由于我盲目模仿喝酒，我的同事是否还会有人喜欢我，我的老板是否对他所不允许的行为印象深刻。一切都很悲哀：我努力融入进去，却失败了，不仅因为我是一个女人，也因为我入错了行。从你的信息中，我无法获知你是否适合银行业。你没有提到在厕所中大哭，因此我猜测，其它方面你是足够快乐的。 你问道，如果不与同事对酌交谈，是否能够晋升。答案是肯定的，而且可能性很大。你认为你的性别对你不利，事实上它对你是有好处的。作为15人中的唯一一名女性，意味着如果你的经理不培养你，他将会被人力资源部强迫参加痛苦的多样化培训课程。我猜想，他之所以要你去交际，是因为他想培养你，只是方式比较愚钝。 我建议你忘记多花时间与小组相处，而应该专注于在你们被关在一起的14小时中如何表现得更加友好。 你说他们经常围成一圈聊天。你难道不可以吗？这很简单——你只需要站在周围并且交谈。如果你做不到的话，那么问题就严重了。你需要考虑辞职。 你提到咖啡、酒水、健身房。对付这些的战略，分别是可以、不可以以及绝对不行。至于小组晚宴，你应该很偶尔地参加一下，并且尽可能地迷人。否则，只要回答不去就可以了。或许你的一些组员还会因为你在外面有丰富的生活而勉强地尊敬你。 读者建议 要善于交际 要成为一位成功的投资银行家，你需要与客户建立牢固的关系。如果你与同事们相处不好，你的董事总经理将不太可能相信你能够办到这一点。不管你喜欢与否，你公司的大部分客户都是男性，所以你应该通过与你的同事练习，开始学习如何跟客户进行交际。 银行家，男性 辞职 你的董事总经理真正想说的是，要想在投行业生存下来，你需要成为“男人”中的一员。我的建议是，趁你现在还是初级员工、辞职代价不高时辞职。 曾经的银行家，女性，40岁 做得更好 我明白你的感受。作为一名穆斯林，我不喜欢与我的同事们去酒馆游荡，并且因此而失败了。有时，我会收起我的信仰，和他们一起去，但是，如果你没有很享受的话，他们会看穿你的门面功夫。我已经决定，让我与众不同的唯一方式就是做得比同事更好。 银行家，男性，31 岁 要合调 我在IT部门工作，这是一个男性主导的环境。我解决这个问题的方式是邀请我的组员参加音乐会，并且发现反应很好。你也可以尝试做一些与去酒吧无关的事情，比如参观展览。 IT经理，女性 完完全全的痛苦 你每天花14个小时与你不喜欢的人一起度过？那你完全可以和一个你不能忍受的人结婚。而且你已经毁掉了你的生活。当一个或许永远不会到来的明天可以抵押换取一份年终奖的时候，谁还需要快乐呢？ 董事，男性，41岁 译者/董琴 |