【英语社会】成本中心3号骨折记

An extra night in his own bed. That was the prize won by cc#3 for breaking his arm. He had gone to play with a friend in the village whose mother called, saying he had slipped while playing in the garden and fallen badly. It was an hour before he was due to return to school at the end of a long weekend. How badly had he hurt himself, I inquired. "I think it could be serious," she said. "He's asking for his mother."

My children are famously self-sufficient. When I was asked once by the BBC what I attributed this to I answered in one word - neglect. So when one of them wants his mother it is usually a Major Incident. I hurried round to the friend's house and brought home a rather pale nine-year-old. His arm appeared to be in one piece, he could still squeeze my hand when I asked, and the sister in charge of the sick bay at school is a fully qualified medical professional, so I sent him back to school.

The school was having none of it. Mr M, who was on chauffeur duty, was sent off to Newbury Accident & Emergency. Here (as you would expect on a bank holiday Monday night) he waited patiently for an hour for CC#3 to be seen, and then another hour or so for him to be X-rayed. Father and son took this in good spirits and were infinitely more understanding of the delay than I would have been, so the right parent was definitely on hand. By the time they had diagnosed a fracture in the greater tubercle of his humerus that could not be set, had issued a sling and some painkillers and sent CC#3 on his way, it was much too late for him to return to school.

I promise I was on stand-by to drop everything and rush down there if they had decided to set it, and I made him a hot water bottle when he came home. But I felt so guilty about not being more sympathetic that a couple of weeks later I got up very early on a Sunday morning and took him to participate in a children's penalty shoot-out competition at Chelsea FC's ground at Stamford Bridge. He did very well, even with his arm in a sling.

The competition preceded a charity football tournament into which I had entered an office team, comprising our two football-playing members of staff and several business associates. We started in spectacular style, beating a team from The Telegraph 3-0, but it all went downhill from there. I was determined to stay until the team's last match, whatever their performance, but CC#3 was losing his enthusiasm. My Pilates Loving Girlfriend was there and suggested that he go home with her children and have tea. I could collect him later.

I did hesitate - PLG's house is in the opposite direction to the school and he had to be back at 7pm if the school's Sunday evening routine was to be observed. But he was keen to go and so I said yes, after calculating that I would have enough time to collect him and make it back to Newbury.

But I had reckoned without one important point. PLG lives in what one could describe as a gated community, with serious security. Despite having visited her several times over the years, I have never driven there in my own car. Before I could drive up to PLG's house the car had to be searched.

I was asked, not unreasonably, to open the bonnet of the car. I have had the car for two years, but in all that time I have never had to do this. I guessed, correctly, that there must be a button to release the catch, but could I find it? Eventually I got the handbook out of the glove box and the policeman and I studied it carefully. Had I never had to top up the washer fluid, he asked. "Don't be silly," I said. "What do you think husbands are for?"

It was a full 30 minutes from arriving at the gate to presenting myself at PLG's front door. Driving back, I had to call the school and explain that my incompetence as a car mechanic matched my incompetence as a parent, and that CC#3 would not be coming back to school on time. Yet another extra night in his own bed.

他又在自己床上睡了一个晚上。这是成本中心3号胳膊骨折后得到的奖励。之前，他与一位朋友在一个村庄里玩耍。这位朋友的妈妈打电话过来说，他在花园里玩耍时滑倒了，摔得很严重。当时距离成本中心3号结束长假返回学校的时间还有1个小时。我问这位妈妈，他伤的如何。“我认为可能很严重，”她回答，“他一直在喊妈妈。”



我的孩子们是出了名地独立。当英国广播公司(BBC)问我如何做到这点时，我的回答是一个词——疏忽。因此，当其中一个孩子喊着要妈妈时，通常是发生了严重的意外。我匆忙赶到这位小朋友的家，把脸色有些苍白的9岁儿子带回了家。他的胳膊似乎没有摔折，在我问他时，他仍能紧握我的手；而学校医务室的护士是一位完全合格的医疗专业人士，因此我把他送回了学校。





学校无法处理。钱眼先生开车把孩子送到了Newbury急救中心。在这里（就像你在银行假日周一夜里可能经历的那样），他耐心地等了1个小时，才有医生为成本中心3号做检查，然后拍X光又等了一个小时左右。父子二人对此毫无怨言，他们比我更能理解如此的拖拖拉拉，因此，正确的父母肯定有用。等医生检查出孩子上臂关节处有一处不能接合的骨折、然后给他打上石膏、开了一些止痛药并把他送出来时，再返回学校已经太晚了。





我答应，如果他们决定接骨，我会做好准备，放下一切冲进医院。当他回到家时，我为他准备了一个热水瓶。但我非常内疚自己没有表现得更有同情心，因此，几周后，我在一个周日的早晨很早起来，带他参加了在切尔西足球俱乐部(Chelsea FC)位于Stamford Bridge的体育场举行的少儿点球比赛。他踢得非常好，尽管手臂上还打着石膏。



在这次比赛之后，我参加了慈善足球锦标赛，加入了办公室队，其中包括我们两位踢足球的员工和几位生意伙伴。我们开始非常顺利，以3:0击败了英国《每日电讯》(The Telegraph)队。但之后的形势却越来越不妙。不管表现如何，我决定坚持到本队最后一场比赛，但成本中心3号却失去了热情。我的亲爱女友皮拉茨(Pilates)也在现场，她建议让成本中心3号与她的孩子们先回她家喝茶，我可以随后再去接他。



我犹豫了，皮拉茨家位置与学校大调脚，按照成本中心3号学校周日晚间的作息规定，他必须在晚上7点前返校。但他很想去皮拉茨家，因此，在计算出我有足够时间去接他并把他送回Newbury后，我同意了。



但我没有想到重要的一点。皮拉茨住在一个可以称之为封闭小区的地方，安保措施很严格。尽管多年来曾去过她家几次，但我从没有开着自己的车去过。在我驱车到达她门口之前，汽车需要接受检查。





保安不无道理地要求我打开汽车的发动机罩。这辆车我开了两年了，但从未做过这个。我（很正确地）猜想，肯定有一个按键能够打开它。但我能找到它吗？最后，我从手套箱里拿出了用户手册，保安和我开始认真阅读起来。他问道，我从来不需要添加玻璃水吗？“别傻了，”我回答，“你认为丈夫们是干什么的？”



从我到达小区大门到我出现在亲爱女友皮拉茨家门前，整整用了30分钟。在我驾车往回走时，我不得不给学校打电话，解释说我不是一个合格的汽车修理工，也不是一位合格的母亲，因此成本中心3号不会按时返校了。他又在自己的床上度过了一晚。

译者/梁艳裳