【英语社会】带着狗上班

On Wednesday, for one day only, several thousand of the unemployed and unemployable will make their way into UK workplaces. Most will have exceptionally low IQs and will be capable of following only the simplest instructions. Many also will have halitosis and be inclined to behave with inappropriate friendliness or sudden hostility.

The occasion is Take Your Dogs to Work Day, an event that its organisers promise will raise morale and productivity – and money for the charity behind it.

The scheme is a considerable improvement on Take Your Children to Work Day, on which it is modelled. In that scheme, pretty much everyone loses. The children lose because an office is a boring place for a 10-year-old: there is only so much colouring-in that even a docile child is prepared to undertake. The parent loses because having a restive child at their elbow when they are trying to fill in their expenses can be stressful. And colleagues lose because they feel obliged to stop by and ask: “How old are you?” And: “Are you having a good time?” Questions from which interesting conversations seldom follow.

By contrast, at least the dog wins from a day in the office, which will almost certainly be greater fun than a day home alone. And the collateral damage inflicted on colleagues by a dog is minimal: the average dog will have a lick and a sniff and then settle down to sleep.

There could be problems if the dogs start fighting or mating by the water cooler, but the charity has answers to this, too. On its website is a video you can download telling you how to help your dog settle into office life.

It suggests that you must prepare the previous day by finding somewhere comfortable for the dog to lie and then tells you to walk the dog round the office, introducing it to colleagues. This is nice – so nice that one wishes employers took equal care when introducing new employees to the office. Only too often, no one has bothered even to find a desk or a working computer.

Indeed, what troubles me most about Take Your Dog to Work Day is that it is evidence of a blurring of the line between Homo sapiens and the animal kingdom.

Here is what one US worker writes in her blog about bringing her mongrel to work: “I'm more productive when Benny is in the office, because he has a calming effect on mommy. A quick Benny hug melts away all of my stress.”

According to a press release put out last week, owners have started calling their dogs the same names as their children. Rex and Rover are out and Alfie and Rosie are in. This is the real problem with dogs at work: the dogs may know their place, but their owners do not.

I have a ferociously intelligent and unsentimental female friend who holds one of the most senior jobs in the British media. She behaves perfectly sensibly with her children, but with her dog she becomes a drooling simpleton. “Ooh, Alfieee,” she croons, as the dog yaps and runs around. One does not wish to see one's colleagues demean themselves in this way.

A further difficulty with dogs at work
is that they are out of tune with the ethos of the modern employee. For a start, they are loyal, and this trait went out of fashion in the 1980s. Secondly, they aren't very clean, and hygiene is in, as I reported last week.

The cat is a much better model for the fickle knowledge worker. They will rub around your legs if they feel it is in their interests to do so, but then sod off as soon as it suits them. They are self-starters with a can-do attitude.

Other pets are also better suited
to office life than dogs. Take Your Snake to Work Day would strike a chord: in many workplaces the snake would fit
right in.

Bring Your Parrot or Mynah Bird to Work would be good, too. To be able
to repeat exactly what other people have said is a skill that can get you a long way.

Hamsters would also fit in nicely; perhaps too nicely. The way they run around and around on a wheel might strike rather too many chords for some.

The most suitable pet, though, for the contemporary office is the goldfish. It is not just that the goldfish is no trouble and can be easily flushed down the loo when it dies, but more relevant still, the goldfish is apparently outward-looking but can't remember anything for more than a second or two. The collapse of Lehman Brothers a year ago has made goldfish out of all of us: we are forgetting the lessons as quickly as we can.

Aside from animals, there are two other groups I would like to see coming into the office. The first would be a Bring Your Husband/Wife/Girlfriend/Boyfriend to Work Day. This would enable hardworking couples to spend some time together.
It would also rekindle the spark in a flagging relationship. One's partner can seem so lacklustre sloping around the house in pyjamas: on the job, they suddenly seem powerful and appealing again.

Still better would be a Bring Your Parents to Work Day. It would be good for the parents to see what return they have got on their investment in time and money. It would be excellent for the employee too, as parents know how to produce the sort of unqualified praise that bosses almost never provide.

周三——仅此一天——数千名失业者和无法就业者进入英国的各个工作场所。他们中绝大多数智商极低，只能遵循最简单的指令，不少还有口臭，且倾向于表现出不合时宜的亲密或突如其来的敌意。

这一天就是“带你的爱犬上班日”(Take Your Dogs to Work Day)。组织方承诺称，这项活动将提高士气和生产力——同时增加其背后慈善机构的募款。

这项方案较其参考样本——“带你的孩子上班日”(Take Your Children to Work Day)——有很大改进。前一项方案几乎一无是处：首先对孩子无益，因为在一个10岁的小孩看来，办公室是个枯燥乏味的地方，即使是乖顺听话的孩子，也不可能一整天坐在那里玩涂色游戏；其次家长们也会分心，因为填写报销单时如果身旁有个好动爱闹的小孩，会是件让人精神紧张的事情；同事们也受累，因为感觉上必须过来打招呼，而“你今年几岁啊？”“觉得好不好玩？”这类问题很少能引出有趣的对话。

相比之下，目前这项方案至少对狗而言是件好事，在办公室呆一天几乎肯定比独自在家呆一天有意思得多。对同事的连累也微乎其微：一般来说，狗会舔一舔，嗅一嗅，之后就躺下睡觉了。

如果狗们开始打架或在饮水机旁交配，那或许会惹出麻烦。但这方面慈善机构也已准备好了对策。在该机构网站上有一部视频可供下载，它会告诉你该如何帮助你的爱犬适应办公室生活。

这部视频建议，你应该在前一天做些准备，找好一块可以让狗舒舒服服躺下来的地方，此外还建议你在办公室里溜溜狗，把它介绍给同事认识。这个想法很好——好到让人不禁企盼，新员工入职时，老板也能这般尽心尽力。有太多时候，人们甚至连一张办公桌或一台能用的电脑都不愿费心为新人准备。

事实上，“带你的爱犬上班日”最令我困扰的一点就在于，它印证了人类与动物界之间的界限正日趋模糊。

一名美国员工在其博客上叙述了把自己的杂种狗带去上班的经历，她是这样写的：“班尼(Benny)在办公室时，我工作更有效率，他对妈妈有安心的作用。抱一抱班尼就能化解我所有的压力。”

根据上周发布的一篇新闻稿，犬主们对自己爱犬的称呼，已开始与自己孩子的名字一般无二——雷克斯(Rex)和罗孚(Rover)不在家，阿尔菲(Alfie)和罗西(Rosie)在家呢。把狗带去上班的真正问题就在于此：狗可能知道自身的地位，但狗的主人不知道。

我有一个精明能干、不感情用事的女性朋友，是英国媒体界的最高层人士之一。她对待孩子非常理智，但在自己的爱犬面前，却变成了傻话连篇的白痴。“哦，阿尔菲，”她轻轻哼着，与此同时，那条狗正到处乱跑、狂吠不止。谁也不想看到自己的同事这样放下身段。

把狗带去上班的另一个问题是，现代员工的气质与狗格格不入。首先，狗忠心耿耿，而这一品质早在上世纪80年代就过时了。其次，狗不太干净，而正如我上周报道过的，现在流行讲卫生。

对于反复无常的知识工作者来说，把猫作为榜样要合适得多。猫会蹭你的腿——如果它们觉得这么做对自己有利——但一不乐意就会掉头离去。它们是主动而自信的动物。

其它宠物也比狗更适于过办公室生活。“带你的爱蛇上班日”准能引起共鸣：在许多工作场所，蛇都能融入其中。

“带你的鹦鹉或八哥上班日”也会收到不错的效果。一字不差地重复别人说过的话，这种能力可令你前途无量。

仓鼠也会适应得很好——或许可以说是太好了。它们一圈一圈绕着轮子跑的样子可能会让某些人怜爱不已。

不过，对于现代办公室而言，最合适的宠物非金鱼莫属。这不仅是因为金鱼养起来毫不费事，死后冲进马桶就可以了，更关键的原因在于，金鱼看似在“向外看”，但却只有一两秒钟的记忆。一年前的雷曼兄弟(Lehman Brothers)倒闭事件令我们大家都成了金鱼：我们正试图以最快的速度忘记那次教训。

除动物外，我希望看到两类人来办公室。第一类是“带你的丈夫/妻子/女友/男友上班日”。在那一天，平日卖力工作的情侣或夫妻可以获得一些共处的时间，本已奄奄一息的恋情也将在那一天重新擦出火花。另一半穿着睡衣在屋子里晃来晃去的样子可能毫无光彩，但进入工作状态后就会一下子显得强大而魅力十足。

另一个更不错的点子是“带你的父母上班日”。对父母来说，能看到自己的时间和金钱投入产生了怎样的回报，无疑是件好事。对员工来说，这也将是一种美妙的体验，因为父母懂得怎样毫无保留的表扬孩子，而老板几乎从来不会给予同样程度的溢美之词。

译者/章晴