【英语生活】知心凯拉韦：职业母亲

The Problem

I edit a magazine on which many of the staff are, like me, working mothers. A sub-editor recently resigned and said in an exit interview that I was “hostile to work/life balance”. In fact, this woman worked to rule around her childcare and took time off for every minor ailment of the child. I'm not hostile to work/life balance. I just believe that mothers who want to get ahead must work as hard as everyone else. I do it, so I don't see why they can't. Is that unreasonable? Editor, female, 50

Lucy's answer

No, it's not unreasonable in itself. Working mothers don't deserve special treatment. If they are always dashing off to sports day and lurching from one childcare disaster to another they ought to progress more slowly as a result.

Yet there is one sentence in your e-mail that gives me pause. You say: “I do it, so I don't see why they can't.” This makes me wonder if you are suffering from a condition I call Tough Woman Syndrome, which affects female bosses with children and makes them excessively intolerant of any deviation by other working mothers. I understand this syndrome as I'm inclined to suffer from it myself. I sometimes catch myself thinking: how come X is making such a meal of having one child when I manage with four perfectly well? These thoughts are hardly ever fair.

As you are the editor, I imagine that you are in a stronger position than this humble sub-editor both to set your own schedule and to afford more reliable childcare.

And as you are 50, you may have forgotten the hell of working when your children were tiny.

Not only is TWS sometimes unfair, it can be slightly sinister, too.

If I'm honest with myself (which I'm often not in this tricky area) I'd say that in order to succeed at work, I've sometimes given my job priority over my children – and I am confident that most senior working women have on occasion done the same. This means that we don't like it when we come across other women doing it differently. When I see women working to rule around their children I find them annoying as colleagues, but I find them a bit threatening too, as they make me feel bad.

Even if you aren't suffering from TWS, and even if you were quite right in your dealings with this sub-editor, I wonder if you are still in the wrong with the rest of your staff. If they are mostly women with children, it is in your interests to appear as flexible as possible. You should be trying to make it as easy as you can for them to do what I used to do – and I bet you did too – to make up for taking time off when a childminder has a cold by getting the work done from home at midnight if need be.

Your advice

Strike a deal I think you need to reach some understanding with your working mothers. They should be judged on their performance, not time spent at their desks. The rule here is “do a good job – we don't care when it's done as long as it's done on time and done well”. I find it works well in journalism.-Editor, female, 45

Results count I really resent it when working mothers choose to prioritise their private life over work and then hide behind the work/life balance as an excuse to still receive promotions, pay rises, etc. As a working mother of a one-year-old who is frequently ill, but also as an employer, I sympathise with parents who choose to take time to take care of their children. However, at work it is the results and the reliability that count, and people should be rewarded based on those compared to the overall pool of employees, regardless of whether they have kids or not.- Fund manager, female, 34

Is it worth it? Don't all working mothers' work arrangements revolve around childcare? As a working mother of two children through crèche and now primary school, my daily life has been a constant and stressful struggle to deal with sick days, school holidays and the like. Is is actually possible to achieve a “work/life balance”? I have a prestigious, rewarding job but am starting to wonder if it's worth the stress of juggling work and children, as well as missing those precious early years of childhood. - Female, 40

You need support As a mother, physician and director of a busy outpatient department, I realise where my priorities are. My priorities are the same as those of all the other physicians in the department (male and female): family comes first and work next in line. However, we support each other to maintain this balance. If one person is a drain on the support resource, the system doesn't work- Physician, female, 51

You are insecure It is not possible to say whether you are unreasonable or not; but it is clear that you are not a competent manager. First, you have only focused on the employee's inputs in terms of hours and times worked, not outputs – a very bad sign. Second, you are self-righteous yet insecure. If you already think you did the right thing, as you seem to be saying, why do you seek approval from the global FT readership? - Economist, male

问题

我在一家杂志社任编辑，像我一样，社里的许多员工都是职业母亲。一位审稿人最近辞职了，她在离职面谈中说我“反对工作与生活之间的平衡”。实际上，为了照看孩子，这个女人一直消极怠工，孩子有点小毛病，她就要请假。我没有反对工作与生活之间的平衡。我只是相信，要想获得成功，职业母亲必须和其他人一样努力。我是这么做的，因此我不明白为何她们不能。这不合理吗？

编辑，女性，50岁

露西的回答

不，这个要求本身是合理的。职业母亲没有理由享受特殊待遇。如果她们总是草草完成工作，好去参加孩子的运动会，而且被一个又一个的子女问题搞得焦头烂额，她们的升职进程理应更为缓慢。

不过，你电子邮件中有一句话，让我犹豫了起来。你说：“我是这么做的，因此我不明白为何她们不能。”这使我怀疑，你是否患上了一种我称之为“女强人综合症”(Tough Woman Syndrome)的疾病，这种病会影响有孩子的女老板，让她们极其无法容忍其他职业母亲的任何偏差。我了解这种病症，因为我自己就有患病的倾向。我有时会发现自己在想：我应付四个孩子都应付得非常好，为何某某有一个孩子就如此小题大做？这些想法几乎从来就不是公平的。

因为你是编辑，我猜想，在安排自己的日程和负担更可靠的托儿服务方面，你比这位卑微的审稿人更有优势。

而且，你今年50岁，可能已经忘记了孩子非常幼小时，工作有多么痛苦。

女强人综合症不仅有时不公平，而且可能还有点险恶。

如果要说老实话（通常我不会陷入这种棘手的局面），我会说，为了在工作上取得成功，我有时会把工作看得比孩子更重——我相信，多数高层职业女性偶尔也会这样做。这意味着，我们不喜欢遇到做法不一样的女性。当我看到有些女人为了照顾孩子而消极怠工时，我会觉得她们作为同事很令人讨厌，但也会感到有一点儿威胁，因为她们让我感觉不舒服。

即使你没有患女强人综合症，即使你对这位审稿人的处理完全正确，我还是怀疑，你是否仍在不公平地对待其他的职员。如果他们大部分都是有孩子的女性，那么你最好尽可能地表现得容易通融。你应该尝试尽可能地让她们容易采取我曾经采取的做法——我相信你也曾这样做过：如果需要的话，让她们夜里在家里完成工作，以补偿因保姆感冒而请的假。

你的建议

达成协议

我认为，你需要与职业母亲们达成某种谅解。对她们的评价应该基于业绩表现，而非坐在办公桌前的时间。这里的规则应该是：“做好工作——我们不在乎它何时完成，只要完成及时且令人满意”。我发现，这项规则在新闻业非常行得通。

编辑，女性，45岁

业绩很重要

我非常不喜欢职业母亲选择将私生活置于工作之上，然后躲在工作/生活平衡的借口背后，仍然能获得升迁与涨工资等等。作为一个职业母亲，同时也是一名雇主，我有一个一岁大的孩子，而且经常生病，我体谅那些选择请假照顾孩子的父母。不过在工作中，重要的是业绩与可靠性，人们是否得到奖励，应当基于这些方面相对于全体职员的表现，而不管他们是否有孩子。

基金经理，女性，34岁

做职业母亲值吗？

难道不是所有职业母亲的工作安排都围绕着照看孩子吗？我有两个孩子，从他们进托儿所到现在上小学，我一直都在工作。我的日常生活总是充满了压力，要应付生病、学校假期等各种事情。真的有可能实现“工作/生活平衡”吗？我拥有一份受人尊敬且待遇丰厚的工作，但我现在开始怀疑，夹在工作与孩子的压力之间，以及错过孩子的宝贵童年是否值得？

女性，40岁

你需要支持

作为一位母亲、医生和一个繁忙的门诊部的负责人，我了解我优先要考虑的事务是什么。我优先考虑的事务与部门内其他所有的医生（不管是男是女）一样：家庭第一，工作第二。不过，我们互相支持，以维持这种平衡。如果一个人耗尽了辅助资源，这个体制就运转不了。

医生，女性，51岁

你缺乏自信

我们无法说你合理还是不合理；但有一点很明确，你不是一名称职的管理者。首先，你只关注雇员在工作时间上的投入，而不是产出——非常糟糕的信号。其次，你自以为是，但缺乏自信。如果你已经认为自己做的是对的，正如你想表达的那样，为何你还要寻求英国《金融时报》全球读者的认可呢？

经济学家，男性

译者/何黎